Being two genes away from a chimp, humans will always have an animalistic, carnal desire within them. Because of this, during the discovery of nearly every major technological or scientific advance, I’m willing to suppose that some guy standing around in back, was thinking, “I wonder if that could get me laid?”

Essentially, this is the principle theme behind “Deadgirl,” a new movie set for limited release in late July. (trailer here; NSFW due to zombie boobs) Basically, an emo outcast has a crush on a popular girl, but decides to join his other emo outcast buddy to get drunk in an abandoned hospital. In the basement, they discover a chained-up zombie girl (played by the good-hot, and geographically named, Jenny Spain). Our hero wants to call the police, but his buddy, in all his great antagonistic wisdom, decides, “we can keep her.”

So, forced zombie sex, a failed cover-up, and, what I presume to be at least one bitten-off penis later, hijinks ensue. In true George A. Romero fashion, humans are proven to be the real monsters, blah, blah, blah. And after wondering aloud — “this is interesting and creepy” to “is this rape or necrophilia?” to “this is probably going to be stupid” — I thought, surely we could think of a better use for the pesky little brainsuckers, if when the zombie apocalypse comes. You know, besides getting your rocks off.

Function: Personal Attaché

Evidenced By: Ed, Shaun Of The Dead

Story: After recovering his zombified best mate at the Winchester, Shaun can’t just put him down like Old Yeller. He resorts to chaining him up in the shed with his video games and, over time, trains him to “no bite” and just resume being his buddy.

Plus: not capping your friend in the brain stem; no need for that Xbox Live subscription

Minus: possibility of zombie instinct kicking back in; egregious purchases of brain/flesh substitute as means of sustinance

Function: Babysitter

Evidenced By: Fido, Fido

Story: The patriarch of Fido’s family is a scientist who is in charge of retro-fitting shock collars on existing zombies, after the apocalypse occurs. Fido becomes the house pet, and the family’s son decides, despite Fido’s occasional zombie-like slips, he deserves a better home than just rotting in a grave. (Again.)

Plus: The shock collar, in theory, can recondition the essentially brainless; it’s not like we’re doing anything worse to our kids by plopping them in front of TVs

Minus: Fido can’t deny instinct without electroshock encouragement; in an emergency, CPR for your kid isn’t a likely option

Function: Choreographer

Evidenced By: Michael Jackson, Thriller

Story: Michael takes a P.Y.T. out on a spooky date, telling her to be afraid of the dark. Oh, and that he’s a zombie. And that he taught all the zombies how to dance. Awesome.

Plus: it’s got to be hard to mount a violent uprising when everyone’s doing — this; not to be cold or anything, but… you know, it’s now more than ever

Minus: they had better learn more than one song, otherwise, I think I’ll take my chances with my boomstick

Function: Adult Entertainers

Evidenced By: Zombie Strippers, Zombie Strippers!

Story: In a small lab experiment in Nebraska, scientists discover that the “zombie” gene is most easily passable from woman to woman. In a completely freak accident, a stripper contracts the mutation, thus passing it to her fellow women of the night.

Plus: no real need to tip anymore; boobs dropping off in your lap now become cool, new strip club souvenirs

Minus: if anyone is going to con a guy into doing something stupid, it’s a stripper; you probably want to skip the lap dances. Trust me.

Function: Coast Guard

Evidenced By: Zombie Flesh Eaters

Story: Having not seen the whole movie, I’m not sure where the set-up was to having a zombie fight a great white shark — clip here. But how much back story do you really need? A zombie. Is fighting a fucking shark. Underwater. Why are you still reading this?

Plus: no air? no problem!, probably cheaper to maintain than our current Coast Guard; is anyone seriously going to try to invade us by sea with swarming speedboats of zombies circling the shores? (Short answer: fuck no.)

Minus: we’re, uh… totally surrounded by zombies; plus they can swim and drive boats now

Function: Personal Bodyguards

Evidenced By: Bub, Day of the Dead

Story: Bub was one of the most endearing characters in Romero’s fold, proving that Romero cared more for his zombies than his human characters. As a reformed, caged zombie, Bub was the personal project of Dr. Logan, who sought to reintegrate him into regular society (how to brush teeth, use a razor, shoot a gun, etc.). When the military executed Dr. Logan for giving Bub the time of day, Bub went ape-shit, extracting his revenge without remorse. Above all, Bub was not only lovable, he was unmistakeably loyal.

Plus: unflappable loyalty for a sect of “humanity” which would never offer true equal rights; Bub is, for lack of a better word, adorable

Minus: everyone better be on their P’s and Q’s when messing with someone who has a personal, undead protector