What began as a lament for lack of diversity with regards to male masturbatory devices (a topic that will be explored at a later date), turned into a question of personal morality: would I have sex with a cantaloupe? (Short answer: no.)
A simple question, sure, but one that merits a complicated answer upon reflection. This begat a few flippant responses from the other girls at NerdyPerv, to the point where the following was formed. Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration: “What Wouldn’t Chris Fuck?” This week, I get off your mom:
Don’t get me wrong, guys: I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all. Maybe she’s a decent baker or cook, maybe she’s one of kindest women on the planet, maybe she’s still got a butt you can bounce a quarter off of and you’re too afraid to admit it. Whatever the reason, I’m just not interested in her any more, mostly because I’m no longer buying into women of her ilk who decide to take on the following labels:
milf : a mother, either married, separated, or divorced, that a male deems sexually attractive enough to warrant intercourse.
cougar : an older (typically late 30’s or 40’s) woman who hunts for a younger (at or around 25) man for sexual conquest.
In language, word evolution leads to more definitive meanings; ergo, milf, a specific term, begot cougar, a more generalized term. While this makes logical sense, in hindsight, this was the beginning of the end of sexual praise for the older woman.
Don’t believe me? Last month, Newsweek proclaimed 2009 the Year of the Cougar, a time where the older woman bagging the younger man is now king – uh, queen. Their evidence: no young Hollywood starlets can currently command big time box office and advertising draws like the stable of old gray mares (… *ahem* sorry) they’ve relied on for years: the upcoming sequel to Sex And The City, to name four, the casting of Sally Field, Glenn Close, Jada Pinkett Smith and Kyra Sedgwick in recent TV dramas, Michelle Pfieffer in Cheri, Nia Vardalos in My Life In Ruins, Catherine Zeta-Jones in The Rebound, Courtney Cox in the soon-to-be-cancelled TV show, Cougartown, and the “hit” reality-dating show The Cougar. Hell, google the word “milf” and see how many porn sites come up on the first page.
First of all, if mainstream media has gotten a hold of something, it’s either jumped the shark (see: Myspace) or being totally underutilized properly (see: Twitter). Second, if there’s a damn convention being organized to promote it, like the one coming up in August in Palo Alto, Cali., I guarantee you someone over-thought the concept.
If your mom-slash-any-older-woman-wishing-to-be-sexually-prized wants to exercise her right to freedom of pride, please do. I’m not coming out against reasonable chronophilia, per se. If you date older or younger, under the guidelines of legality and morality, be my guest. Here’s the rub: when I originally called your mom a MILF (probably back in ’07?), she didn’t know it, or what it meant, or what I wanted to do to her, possibly on your old bunk bed, just for giggles. Once she started thinking that I was wishing my girlfriend was hot like her, I lost interest. And though there is something to be said for older women knowing a thing or two in the sack, I’m fairly confident the Piledriver is not a commonly known position amongst the pre-Generation-X.
Listen, moms: your mission was successful. We know you’re not genitally dead down there, and some of us love you for it very much. I, for one, will never tire of seeing Mary-Louise Parker getting naked on Weeds, no matter how bad her show needed to generate ratings. But, please stop wearing the clothes you borrow from your fourteen-year-old daughters. Please stop taking dating advice from any TV show starting with the words “The Real Housewives of…” And please stop making me tell you how great you look at the bar. Trust me, if I let you buy me a drink, I’m just going to lie to you until its empty anyway.
But do give me that recipe for snickerdoodles. Have I told you how young you look?