Just because I am poly does not mean that every person that I date is or will be. In fact, with one exception, none of my relationships have been poly. There were those that were monogamous and they tended to be understanding of the poly life. These relationships had their ups and downs, some ended on good terms and others on bad. But my being poly was never a problem for these guys.
The only time that polyamory has created friction inside of a relationship was when I tried dating a traditionalist. Obviously, in the beginning these men decreed that they got poly. These relationships blossomed and moved forward as any would. But at some point, we hit a wall. That wall was when he suddenly realized that all the things a traditional monogamous person wants; he wasn’t going to get- from me.
I always give the guys I date an out. I let them know that they are free to walk away from “us” at any time. I make sure that they understand that if they create a problem for me, my life, my primary relationship then that is exactly what I will do. So I afford them the same courtesy.
Over the course of many failed relationships, I realized that, while men proclaim themselves to have commitment phobias and not want to settle down, the moment you take those things off the table; it becomes a problem. Suddenly, the guy who has been through divorce hates the idea that he’ll never walk down the aisle again. The dude that has a child of his own can’t deal with the fact that there will be no additions to the brood.
Of course, the worst part of dating a traditionalist is fidelity. I tell every person that they are free to pursue other relationships or sexual partners at will because I can’t guarantee that I won’t ever do the same. Saying this isn’t what creates an issue. Most traditionalists either use this permission very sparingly or not at all. The issue is when things get serious. When the guy realizes that, though I have him and my partner, it may not stay that way. My actually making the choice to act creates an explosion.
Without fail, I have yet to date a traditionalist and it not blow up in both our faces. Jealousy is normal in any relationship. Being polyamorous does not remove normal human emotions from a person. These issues are solved through openness, honesty, and communication. It is impossible to escape hurt feelings entirely but it is just a bump in the road of that relationship. But when the other person is a traditionalist, no amount of these three concepts can stop that bump from being an enormous pothole.
I’ve had memorable relationships with traditionalist men. Each time, passion acted as the spark and jealousy was the fuel to the ensuing explosion. Everyone walked away burned.
There is nothing wrong in this world with have traditional values. With wanting to get married or have children or be with one person for the rest of your life. Inside the poly community, marriage and family are highly valued and remarkably common. But if you want that “one person” then being with someone who is polyamorous won’t work.
Poly means sharing. It means understanding that the person you are in love with has the option to be or fall in love with someone else. Being jealous that they consummate a connection or devote time to another relationship is natural. Unfortunately, I had to learn all the hard way: traditionalists don’t share!
I don’t really feel I particularly identify with polyamory, but to an extent, I do. I just refer to it as “dating” and/or having an “open relationship.”
I really have to say though, out of whomever I’d be dating (all at the same time), I mean, hey I may have loved them as friends, but I was only simply *dating* them (and everyone else) because I am SOO easily bored and rarely ever impressed. Once my interest is lost, I’m usually onto the next one, though communication is gray currently, and so I’m just sitting pretty fantasizing about how lovely life is without complications and missing college where I had my stable of boys.
I keep telling myself there is a “one” out there, but that I won’t find that “one” in Texas since my heart has, and probably continue to be, in Europe.
Sigh. I don’t understand exclusivity, except for the prevention of communicable diseases.
On another note, I don’t understand how certain males out there cannot understand the concept of women being able to separate the emotional from the physical.
Maybe I just *am* poly, though the only way it makes sense in my head is that they’re either insecure (therefore territorial) and lack confidence, a healthy perspective of life, love, and boundaries…AND/OR they’re just “simple”.
Oh, that, and usually the traditionalists I’ve dated are completely ignorant of basic working knowledge of psych, sexuality and gender studies, sociology and applied anthro, and may very be communication retarded.
…was that line before the last bit elitest much? :-/ lol
I don’t believe that traditionalists are somehow ignorant of the way that the human mind, or any animal instinct for that matter, work. I think it is more that traditionalists want the “typical”. They like the idea of marriage, kids, the house, the dog, the mini-van, etc…
There isn’t anything wrong with that either! It is just that it rarely applies to a person who is polyamorous. Poly is more family friendly than a lot of other subcultures or movements but it doesn’t normally work within societal confines. Trying to date or “convert” a poly person to a traditionalist view is simply incompatible.