Nerds and Pervs alike know that breaking up is not fun, but it is part of the dating equation.  We can all hope that our relationships won’t end this way, but sometimes it just cannot be avoided.  This man was my first real boyfriend, and I learned a lot from dating him.  My experience with this fresh break-up has inspired me to write a guide to respectful break-ups.

THINK ABOUT IT:

If you have decided it’s time to end your relationship, think it through.  I’m sure you have already, and if you still remotely care for this person, consider his feelings.  It’s important to remember two people are in this relationship, and you’d want them to think about your feelings too. If you recognize there are certain traits about your partner that you just can’t get past or this person has done something egregious to you, it’s time to move on.  But if you find yourself still attached and willing to work it out, by all means try.  Communication is key—be it with yourself or with your partner.  The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you will be with your partner.  And if the two of you are living together, you’ll need to find a new place to crash for awhile if you do not think your partner will be amiable to leaving (or you aren’t on the lease).   Relationships should be fun and make you happy, not stressful and full of disappointment.

BE RESPECTFUL:

Okay, so you thought it through, presented your partner with some of your complaints, and you still think it’s time to end things. Here is the part that is obvious in theory and rarer in practice.  Of course you think you or your partner will respect each other and end things neatly, and if you can do that then five points to Gryffindor for you!  However, I have seen one too many couples declare their undying love for each other one minute and then all but put out a hit for each other the next.  What I’m trying to get at is nothing ends easily or neatly; you may walk away from the relationship friends, but that can take time.  The hurt is still there, and it is vital to respect his needs just as much as yours.  Remember, this is a person you have done dirty, naughty things with; at least be respectful enough to tell him you’re done, in person.  Now, if he does not get the message and freaks out by slashing your tires, hold your head up high knowing that you were the bigger person—and then ask for a certified money order for the damages.

JUST DO IT, ALREADY!:

We’ve thought it out, written down what we want to say, practiced in the shower as if taking on a bully in elementary school (or even high school if you were me), and the moment has finally come to lay it all out there.  You cannot go back once you’ve started.  Doing so just sends mixed messages and will make you no happier the next day.  By all means, fuck him before you say your peace—it may even relax the two of you—but don’t forget your objective.  It’s not fun and it’s not going to be easy, but the quicker you pull off the Band-Aid, the quicker you can start playing around with other hot, able bodies!

DIVIDE AND CONQUER:

When it’s all said and done, there are still little things that need to be worked out—like dividing assets.  He may have some of your clothes at his house and you may have some of his at yours.  If the two of you agree to return items, follow through.  And if you were engaged and break up, you should return the ring.  I know I know, it’s yours and you deserve it, blah blah blah.  But come on, would you really want to be reminded of him every time you opened your jewelry box?  I didn’t think so.  And Judge Judy would tell you to return it too, and no one should argue with the Judge.  Ed’s note: I do not recommend burning, peeing on, or destroying any of his stuff.  Unless he had it coming, in that case I’ll look the other way.

DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PSYCHO-OUT:

Finally, do not freak out when your ex starts moving on before you, do not start drinking heavily everyday following the breakup or if you learn news about him (a few times is okay, but you’ll eventually learn that working with a killer hangover is worse than heartache) because livers are important for other functions besides filtering out alcohol.  It is also vital, and this is something I have been guilty of, that you refrain from excessive contact.  Do not call him to ask how he is handling the break up, do not “check-in” with the friends you know he has been spending time with, and most importantly do not start stalking his new girlfriend.  It may sound like a good idea when you’re drunk or high at 1 AM to call him and tell him he’s an Asshat, but psychoing out will only guarantee that you will not move on and your ex will look like a saint with a stalker.

Image from Nerd Approved