If sex was a video game, the Threesome would no doubt be a major Unlockable Achievement. Many people joke about it, many fear it, but only a select few, it seems, ever go through with it. And for good reason: it’s hard enough to balance the emotional and physical needs between two people. Adding a third to the mix most definitely makes a crowd. Temper in a little jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion and you have a perfect storm to ruin any otherwise healthy relationship.

Having said that, threesomes, for lack of a better word, are awesome. My experiences have only been limited to the boy-girl-girl persuasion, but a number of them have led me to keep a level head and a measured “professionalism” when it comes to buffets of the flesh. In a perfect world, this guide would encompass all relationship types and all sexual preferences. Instead, for the first part of what I hope to be a series, I’ll be focusing on my experiences as the boyfriend in a straight relationship that decides to take on a third. (Your particular orientation and results may vary.)

So guys, start by reading the following statements:

- I want to have a threesome to spice up our otherwise ignorable sex life.
- I want to have a threesome, and I’ve already picked out who I want the third to be.
- I want to have a threesome in order to sleep with someone else “legally”.

If any of the above are true, and you have no other reason to participate, congratulations – you’re probably going to end your relationship soon. The point being, a threesome doesn’t magically cure any relationship malady, or even boredom, for that matter. The best case scenario for a couple to choose being in a threesome starts with a good foundation of honest communication, love, trust… you know, all that good stuff. It’s ironic, then, that the best couple candidates for threesomes are the ones who would be perfectly fine never having one.

Having a threesome starts with a discussion – one that will more than likely be in a series of them. The theme of said discussion: simply if you and your partner are open to the idea. There’s no need to bring up specifics immediately; as previously mentioned, not everyone is cut out for it. Your partner may have no interest in sharing you. They may have no interest in being with someone of the same sex, or maybe you don’t. In all honesty, you don’t know unless you ask.

Next comes the time to talk rules. As the guy in a straight relationship, this was the point where we mutually made concessions. One partner, for instance, wasn’t comfortable with watching me penetrate the other woman, however, oral play and touching was okay. At that point, I took a logical, “prisoner’s dilemma” approach to the situation: in a selfish way, it was in my best interests to agree, as doing so resulted in me getting to sleep with two women at once. From a loving perspective, she was setting a personal boundary that she wanted respected, and if I loved and cared about her, I was obligated to respect it.

Discussing rules may take a series of conversations; you might find yourself picking up and dropping the topic over weeks or months. The most important point being that all partners a) come to their conclusions organically, b) discuss them open and honestly, and c) listen and respect their partner’s conclusions implicitly.

Now is the time to pick the partner. As with many steps in this process, haste is once again your enemy. Case in point, it’s joked about in the polyamorous community that a single, bisexual woman interested in dating a couple is known as a “unicorn”. This should give you an indication at the patience involved in finding a potential playmate. Posting ads on dating sites is permissible but not required. In all honesty, my best experiences were that of a “joint-single” approach: essentially, my partner and I would hit on women together, with discretion, at a public setting like a bar or club. Sometimes, nights working together to land a woman’s phone number ended up being exciting and interesting by itself.

With a potential partner secured, with rules firmly in place, and with adequate protection, it’s in a guy’s best interests to act as a submissive facilitator. The emotional and physical needs of your partner should be paramount, as well as the boundaries set by your guest. Your needs, sad to say, must then come last – that’s probably the deepest, darkest secret of successfully experimenting with threesomes. Months ago, you may have got the ball rolling with a simple question, but at this point, with regards to your wants and needs, you’ll need a little blind faith. Thanks to the good line of communication you’ve already established with your partner (*ahem*), this shouldn’t be as scary as it sounds.

After the goodbyes are said, the dismissal rules should be adhered to: did you agree to the possibility of seeing this person again, or to burn the phone number and disappear from each other’s lives? In one particular instance, a third my partner and I invited in really liked us to the point of wanting to remain “friends with benefits”. Sadly for her, my partner and I agreed prior to walk away, so as to not inspire jealousy. (Just because we fucked doesn’t mean we’re Facebook buddies.) Again, thanks to the many conversations you’ve had about the matter, this should be easy to follow. It’s important to note that, while for a short time, your relationship consisted of three, after your affair, you should quickly return to your former, single partner allegiance.

Threesomes are never without risk and require a lot of patience and planning, but are ultimately an exciting way to spend a night. While there is no way I can cover all the subtle nuances of these discussions, this was a basic road map that I noticed were consistent factors of success. And while it may not be a sexy thing to admit, the byproduct of having open, honest communication with my partner about our sexual nature was probably the best part of every threesome I had.