Making the decision to open a relationship should be well thought out.  It should be discussed in every detail, every what- if scenario highlighted, to ensure that no one gets their feelings hurt. Take it from someone who didn’t do it quite like that.

About five years ago, I had a drunken night. Well, I’ve had lots of drunken nights–but this one in particular was the first step down the road I’ve been walking ever since. You see, I was attracted to one of my friends and wanted to make something happen.  Once I made the initial “so do you wanna…” an orgy ensued.  In the aftermath of that experience, my partner and I had to do some talking.  Both of us had felt like lines were crossed and boundaries were compromised. For me, the jealousy I’d felt explode inside of me while seeing him with another woman could not be explained away.  Needless to say, I freaked.

The discussions afterward led me to realize that I wasn’t feeling satisfied with just my partner. There had always been something wrong with the “just us, forever” part of our life. I was still curious about other people, but I’d accepted that doing anything about that was wrong. It took a few years before I got up the courage to tell him that I wanted more. More than him.

To my complete surprise, he got it. He said that he felt like monogamy was something we were trying, but it just wasn’t working right. We agreed to open up our relationship. At first, our encounters were based on sex. We had threesomes, group sex, orgies. There was girl on girl, there was partner swapping. We learned to experiment with every possible fantasy.  I even got a genuine boy-toy.  But the longer our “openness” revolved around bedroom antics, the less satisfied I was. It even went so far as to make me feel dirty, to feel like a whore.  Because these encounters meant nothing to me and I meant nothing to them. My increasing unhappiness led me to make the biggest mistake of my life. I had an affair.

My partner found out because, well, I can’t lie to save my life. He knew that something was off and became suspicious almost immediately. He told me from the first confrontation that he wasn’t angry about the sex, he wasn’t upset about the fact that I’d fallen in love with my best friend, he only felt betrayed because I’d hidden it all from him. We went through some dark days, questioning every single part of our life together, and in the end, there was only one conclusion. Living a life driven by what society dictates as “right” was not for us. We made the choice to allow each other to not just pursue other sexual relationships. We decided to date.

In January of this year, I was having a conversation about this with a friend and it was the first time I’d ever heard the word “polyamorous.” I went home and googled the term. It was like a whole new world had opened up before me. I didn’t feel like the freak who had rejected monogamy first and swinging second. I found an entire part of society that lived their lives the same way I wanted.

Polyamorous means many loves. It is when someone does not restrict themselves to loving only one person at a time but keeps the possibilities open. These relationships are not always rooted in sex, though it is a common aspect. The men and women who embrace polyamory are everywhere. They still get married. They have children. They work normal jobs and live normal lives.  They are our coworkers, our neighbors, our mail carriers, our firefighters, our civic leaders. In a world that has accepted divorce as completely normal. In a society that turns a blind eye to infidelity. Why is the idea of polyamory so wrong?

My partner knows when I go on a date. I know when he does. I’ve met and become friends with the women that he’s pursued. We are all comfortable around each other because there is no deceit. The nature of their relationship has not been hidden, no one is lying. We’re honest and open, one hundred percent of the time. Jealousy does occur but we just talk about it and make sure that our actions take the other person’s feelings into account.

I can’t say that every relationship I’ve had since declaring myself to be poly has been successful. There have been breakups and I’ve been through an incredible amount of pain because of them. However, I’ve learned to be more confident in myself and stand up for what I want. My partner and I work with a set of guidelines to make sure that we are relationship is safe. And most importantly, our devotion to each other never waivers.

There is a sense of freedom knowing that I can be completely in love with someone and yet, be able to date other people. The polyamorous community has welcomed me and I’ve met some of the warmest people and made the greatest friends. The majority of those that I’ve told, who aren’t poly, have been incredibly curious and accepting. They may not understand my choice to be poly, anymore than I understand theirs to be mono, but few have been judgmental.

The greatest lesson that I’ve learned from deciding to switch my relationship label from monogamous to polyamorous has been that making yourself happy is more important than fitting into a label or “the box.” Too many married people envy their friends who are still single because they want that sense of freedom back. Too many single people break up because one isn’t willing to settle down and commit to the other. I get the best of both worlds.