Part of the problem to some people that are polyamorous comes, not from their new relationships, but from their primary or existing partners. We all get that surge of New Relationship Energy (NRE) when we start a romance. It is hard for someone that is already in your life to watch that NRE blossom without feeling jealous or getting possessive.
I am extremely fortunate in my partner. He has always been my Adonis, total eye candy but with a heart of gold, brawn to match any opponent and the street smarts to solve any problem. (If you can’t tell, I absolutely adore him.) He is a man that allows me to explore without much restraint and never discourages me.
When I was in the midst of my “poly break”, my partner and I sat down to have some serious discussions. He told me that it bothered him immensely when I dated someone and that person teased him with the possibility of friendship that was not genuine. They wanted me to compartmentalize.
These relationships didn’t mind putting a toe in the waters of the other facets of my life but they were rarely willing to dive in. It is more that these people were cautious about walking into a world that is unfamiliar. However, I realized just how important it was for whomever I was with to want to be a part of my life, my whole life.
My partner told me that I couldn’t try to keep aspects of my life separate from each other anymore. I had already integrated my family and my friends together but that inclusion had yet to include my poly life. He told me that it was causing an incredible amount of friction. He wasn’t the cause of many of the problems but he caught the fallout from all of them. He said it was time to go beyond having rules and start setting limits.
Having a new friendship morph into something romantic suddenly was when I expected the “veto”. Instead, my friend proved to both myself and my partner that he was different. The time we spent together was focused on conversation. We started to open up about our lives, our pasts, and what we each wanted for the future.
I’m not sure how many of you girls can say that you’ve dated a guy who made no advances but I now can. He never tried to get anywhere. There were no roaming hands or misleading touches to test boundaries of what was okay. I knew the man was interested (they don’t hide it well) but he never pushed. I think this is what made my partner respect him. When they finally met, they both put forth a huge effort to find common grounds.
Things morphed quickly. We could hang out without it being weird or awkward. I could show affection to one in front of the other and no one averted their eyes. It was mutually agreed upon that bedroom activities could wait until everyone was sure about the relationship. It wasn’t about just myself and my partner or myself and the new boy. It was about the three of us.
Before I dropped him into the fire, I introduced the new boy to my best friend. They struck up a conversation about different types of philosophy and discussed book recommendations on the subject. Approval was given soon thereafter. That was when the new friend turned love interest became the official boyfriend.
One by one, my other friends met him. Each of them was curious about the first boyfriend to show an interest in getting to know them. It wasn’t until a buddy of mine pulled me aside one night and said “This one, he is great!” that I was sure about him.
Too bad, his partner couldn’t say the same for me.
