It has taken several months and lots of introspection for me to reach a point that I could discuss my own poly dating life again. I started out writing for NerdyPerv about sexual antics and possibilities. Every article, whether nerdy or pervy, has required me to do a bit of research and then find my own voice. It is how I talk to you, the readers.
A while back, I went through a bit of a crisis (though it felt like a tornado). I had to confront the completion of several stages of my life at one time and then make decisions on where to go in the future. All of that was problematic and the stress involved caused me to make mistakes.
The man that I was dating at the time was, unfortunately, affected. I went a bit wild and stopped considering that my actions might have consequences. I can’t take full responsibility for the fact that the relationship exploded but once it did, I knew that it was a preventable disaster.
In the immediate aftermath, I wasn’t sure what to write. Actually, I wasn’t sure how to write. I was so used to laying myself and my thoughts open to you that I hit a wall when I realized that I needed to keep things private until I was in a better place. Gwen and I discussed my life and what was going on in it. She let me take a step back from NerdyPerv to calm down and get my shit together. (I tell you all, now, that she is a truly amazing person and if you are one of the fortunate few that is able to call her “friend”, consider yourself blessed.)
I declared a “poly break” and that I was taking a few months off. I knew that I wouldn’t stop writing completely but even Gwen had to tell me when the quality of my work started suffering. For that, I apologize. Our readers and fans deserve nothing but the best and I did not deliver, I am eternally sorry.
However, within days of the emotional tornado, I made a new friend. We started off talking online and then texting. It was nice to have another poly person in my life but, for once, no romance entered the picture. Our conversations weren’t really about our lives or anything personal. We discussed politics and religion. He ranted about popular misconceptions and listened about my theories regarding the economy. The more we talked, the more I realized that I had missed something. In all the relationships that I have had in my poly life, I had let chemistry be the foundation. This new person made me see that I had always felt valued on a physical level more than an intellectual one. He was incredibly persistent about staying in contact. When something minor went wrong and I would pull away, he backed off but didn’t disappear. Sometimes, it was just a simple “Just wanted to say hi.” When something major went wrong and I tried to retreat completely, he refused to let me.
I learned that having a steady friendship was important. This one developed not because of what we had in common but because of what we could discuss- everything. When he changed the dynamic, I was stunned and unprepared. Our interaction had never been in person and I had been happy for things to stay that way. At least, until he said the word “date”.