You’ve probably figured it out by now that I was kind of a late bloomer when it came to relationships.  I’ve always had close friends, but I didn’t have my first real (Gideon doesn’t count, I don’t know him…yet…) boyfriend until I was OUT of college!  It’s not that I was a hermit or a hideous slag or anything; I went to a women’s college (i.e. no boys allowed) and spent my time there studying for Law School, working student events, and drinking—and I did all three fantastically, I might add.  But this left me with little time to get off campus and fraternize with boys.  That and my standards were set a little higher than the locals from the small town next to my school (maybe I was a little picky).  Suffice it to say, I only had a handful of first dates during college, and I never once thought about pursuing any of my hook-ups as long term relationships.

The other downfall of going to a single-sex college in the middle of nowhere is the inevitability that if you do find a guy you’re interested in enough to date, you will not see each other every day.  And thus begins the dreaded long-distance relationship.  Personally, I never had a problem with dating long distance because I loved the idea that I would have someone who cared about me and wanted to know how my day was, but I also had the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  Ultimately, I could do my thing and he could do his.  I guess this openness to long-distance dating stems from me being the baby of the family and having problems sharing. It’s just a theory.

It was only fitting that the first man I ever fell in love with lived three hours away from me and then moved three states away.  Now, I know you’re probably saying: “Gwen, GIRL! Why are you chasing men out of the state?” It wasn’t intentional.  I actually intended to move to the same city as him before we even met, but after I met him I was even more inspired to do so.  Unfortunately the move was just not meant to be and eventually, after months of chatting and occasional weekend visits, he broke it to me that he was moving to another state.  To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement, but with our rose-colored glasses on, we decided to try a long distance relationship.  With technology on our side, we set forth with this grand delusion that “maybe, this time” a long distance relationship could work.  Long story short, although it did work for us for awhile, our relationship eventually lost steam and we lost our connection to each other.

I still believe that long distance can work, but I learned from my experience that there are a few important things that couples need to keep in mind and discuss before tackling this type of relationship.

LONG DISTANCE? REALLY??

Obviously the two of you would discuss this first.  Is this something both of you want?  Are you going this route because you really want to be together or because you don’t want to let go? If it’s the former, you’re on the right track.  If it’s the latter, maybe you guys should try a break and if you come back to each other then it’s meant to be.  Yeah, I know that sounds like something a Magic Eight Ball would tell you, but it’s just the plain truth.  You must also remember that you trust this person, trust is like oxygen to this relationship and what are you doing if you can’t trust this person anyway?  Long distance is hard and if there is any reason why you would not want to be with your significant other, besides the distance thing, then you need to be responsible and talk about it—because honestly the only thing you two have going for you right now are your words.

DON’T GET A CASE OF SHUT-UP MOUTH

The balance between communicating too much and not enough is very fine.  When you have the luxury to be in the same city as your guy, you can get away with just sitting in a room with him and not talking.  This does not work on the phone.  Instead of conveying your level of comfort with him, staying mum on the phone or webcam can actually cause him to think you’re unhappy, keeping things from him, or completely disinterested.  At the same time, if you text him every hour on the hour you can overwhelm him; remember he’s just as busy as you are, and boys are shit multitaskers anyway.  Remind him you love him and that you miss him, I know he feels the same way and enjoys getting a message from you saying so!  Don’t get too upset if he or she can’t get back to you right away, it’s all about learning and being patient.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU’D CALL!!

Now that you’ve decided to go through with this ridiculous plan, you’ll need to work on a mutually agreeable schedule.  My guy and I worked during the day, and at first we talked throughout the day on instant messenger.  Eventually our work schedules got so busy that neither of us could stay long enough at our desks to shoot off an I love you before getting pulled away.  We switched to talking at night on our drives home; it was great knowing we had someone to keep us awake on that 2AM drive back to the Bat Cave.  But even that became difficult when either of us went out with friends, went on business trips, or just wanted some time to ourselves.  This is when a schedule came in handy.  I knew that no matter what, I had to call at 11PM, even if it was just to say goodnight.  And he always sent me a good morning text, which frequently put a bounce in my step.

Remember, if you make a promise to call at a certain time, make sure you do.  There is no worst feeling than waiting for your loved one to call and then he doesn’t.  Now, sometimes things just happen and you don’t have cell reception/internet access/you’re too drunk to string together a sentence, but an apology first thing in the morning goes a lot farther than ignoring it or even turning defensive when he finally confronts you.  Admit you’ve done a wrong and all will be forgotten, but ignore it or refuse to take responsibility and your SO will lose patience and trust in you very quickly.

TO TOUCH ANOTHER, OR, YOU KNOW, MAYBE NOT…

Every now and then we get tempted by someone new, or we just miss feeling someone touch us, and it’s up to you to recognize when you should fess up to your far-away lover.  Talk with your guy and decide what you both agree is cheating.  Maybe both of you agree that kissing is okay, but absolutely no sex and you have to tell each other.  Or perhaps neither of you wants the other to fool around with someone else.  If you feel tempted, you need to leave the situation and call your lady or man—no Ifs, Ands, or Buts.  My feeling towards this could be completely different than yours, it’s all about what the two of you are comfortable with.  Honestly is the most important thing, and if you feel like you’ve pushed the boundaries of your agreement too far, you need to confess and handle to consequences like a big girl.

CONJUGAL VISITS AREN’T JUST FOR PRISONERS!

Finally, don’t forget to plan trips!  You cannot sustain a relationship forever on teledates and late-night phone sex—although they are fun and satisfying when needs be.  The two of you should have a goal in mind and work towards it.  Even if you can’t afford to go somewhere fancy, just putting in the effort to plan the trip builds morale.  Also, don’t underestimate the power of the stay-cation.  When you are together, don’t forget to get out of the house at some point, even if it’s just to get fresh air and a snack.  Focus on each other, turn off the TV, computer, and even your phones during the day.  Most importantly, use your visits to move your relationship forward.  Find time to detach yourselves from each other’s lady and man bits, and talk about a dating time frame.  It will not only give you a much needed sex break, it will also reaffirm that both of you want to be together.