Near the end of the 2009 I was doing something I never imagined possible. I was juggling work, social events, and two guys. It never crossed my mind that someone like me, a girl who never had a date in high school and barely saw a man’s neither region in college, would ever have the chance to do. I say chance, because even at the time I was completely aware of how “kinda cool” the whole situation was. I don’t mean to come off as glib or self-congratulatory, but come on, the idea of having not just one but two guys vying for your affection is pretty sweet.

Or so I thought. Even while the whole “dating two guys” thing was going on I realized how delicate balancing two separate relationships, two separate sets of feelings, could be. I often had an ominous feeling about the whole thing—I was in-tune to the fact that this just wasn’t going to end well. I can cut to the chase and spoil the ending for you, but what fun would that be?

Both guys seemed like unrealistic partners. Guy A was too far away for me to even begin entertaining the notion of dating and Dude B was someone who dismissed me the first time we met.  As time went by, my conversations with Guy A went from innocent pop culture references in text messages to longer chats during work and teledates before bed. He was becoming a part of my life that I had missed after my summer break-up. I still had apprehensions about the distance issue, but my feelings were starting to shift in Guy A’s favor.

That was until the night I met—I should really say the night I was ignored by—Dude B. First off, any guys reading this: yes, ignoring a girl will sometimes work in your favor if you are trying to get her attention, but it’s not the best way to establish a good foundation for a new relationship. Of course this is something you should already know, but I just wanted to offer a reminder.

Back to what I was saying…Yes, Dude B. From the moment I shyly placed my hand in his for an introduction I was smitten. I didn’t know what it was about him, maybe the fact that he seemed to have a horribly sardonic sense of humor that fit well with my own perverse one, or that he was close friends with people I completely admire, I’m not really sure. That night we spoke casually, but at one point he stood up from our shared booth to move to another table. I didn’t think anything of it, I just assumed he had tired of our conversation and preferred to be with people he knew better, but every once in awhile I would look over and see him joking around with his friends. Those little moments intrigued me and pulled me more towards him. The next day I spent way too much time debating friending him on Facebook, which was futile since I did it even though I figured he wasn’t interested in me at all. But, by the end of that week, after a few cute email exchanges, he called to set up a date (quelle surprise!!) and we spent most of the weekend together.

Now I had an issue. I was still growing a long distance closeness with Guy A but my proximity and pure draw to Dude B was causing conflict in my brain. I would spend time out with Dude B then text Guy A or talk to him during work. I think I got from Guy A the emotional closeness I wanted and from Dude B a new partner in crime for evening adventures. My little balancing job started to become unstable when Guy A and I finally met after months of getting to know each other. I was nervous, both because this was a new direction for our tele-relationship and because I just knew in the pit of my stomach this meeting would change things. It did, and Guy A and I quickly halted our flirty conversations. Thankfully he’s a great guy and we’ve remained friendly.

After I got over the sting, I realized I was relieved to no longer date two guys. I decided to let my friendship with Guy A develop as it would. I put more focus into my relationship with Dude B and began thinking about our future. Nothing big, just giving thought to the possibility that I had met a good man after being so hurt earlier in the year. These thoughts were premature and ultimately unrealized. I enjoyed the time I spent with Dude B, but life happens and things fizzle.

I wouldn’t change the experience, because out of it I met two men who helped me through a rough patch in my life. I did, however, learn that the feeling associated with keeping people in the dark about aspects of my life is an uneasy one. It may have been fulfilling for a portion of the time, but ultimately I was left with more guilt than excitement, more hurt than happy, and more reminders that I still have so much to learn.