Since announcing to the world, via NerdyPerv, that I was polyamorous, I felt a sense of relief. Most of my friends knew but there were those who didn’t. After the article went up, I found myself sitting down with my friends and family, one by one, to tell them.
I got all sorts of responses:
Why?
Does it make you happy?
Whatever floats your boat!
Good for you but no details please.
Wait, you get to keep your relationship and bang other people? F’n score!
You name it and I’ve probably heard it. The most repetitive questions seemed to be about how I meet people and what I say to make the big reveal.
To the first part, I meet people the same way most monogamous people do; through mutual interests, friends, work, school, or the internet. As for how I tell people, since I can’t hide my partner and I’m usually surrounded by my friends, it is usually brought up at the very beginning. All of my online profiles have my status listed as either “open relationship” or “it’s complicated”, depending upon the options I have to choose from. When someone I know is introducing me, it isn’t odd for them to say “and this is Christin, my poly friend.” I’m the new token friend: poly, lol.
Once a person that is interested in me (or vice versa) and I begin to talk, I usually explain my life. I’m open, honest, and keep a sense of humor about it. A lot of the time, it means that I make a new friend and not a romantic interest but that is ok with me. Women seem to suspect that I am an adulteress and not representing myself correctly. Men are much more open-minded about the idea. Since a poly relationship doesn’t take away the freedom that so many people cherish, it can be eye opening. There are those who are afraid of commitment and think that poly dating will be the answer to their prayers but it really isn’t.
In a polyamorous relationship, there is still room for commitment (yes, even marriage) and fidelity. Many poly couples set boundaries, guidelines, and rules for any new trysts. Some seem obvious because they are about safety, like always use a condom. Others are tailor made for the individual. There are those that don’t want to meet or know the person that their partner is interested in until it becomes serious or there are those that want to be fully involved in the process. I tend to be more of the “do what you want, just keep me in the loop” persuasion.
For those of you that wonder about jealousy, let me assure you, it does happen. It is a natural reaction and emotion when the person that you have feelings for becomes interested in another person. The key to jealousy is communication. When we feel secure in our relationship and can talk about what is bothering us, we are less apt to overreact.
If you are a monogamous person and interested in someone who is poly, there are going to be some rough roads ahead of you. You’ll need to understand that at some point, planned or not, they are going to look outside the confines of your relationship for additional companionship. It isn’t that you aren’t enough or that they aren’t attracted to you or that there is anything wrong with you at all; a person who is poly has the ability and desire to love more than one person at a time. Misunderstanding what has happened or not being totally honest with each other are the most common mistakes. Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be. A monogamous person can have a hard time dealing with the fact that their boy/girlfriend is spending time with others or maybe even crossing the boundaries into sex. The only way to walk through that minefield is by talking openly and honestly with each other.
Overall, I can’t say that I’ve been hugely successful in the dating department since announcing that I was poly but I’ve met some amazing people along the way. The relationships I’ve had, outside of my primary one, have taught me lessons about myself more than anything and to have faith in other people too.
So now I’m going to start adding some of my poly adventures here, for you to read and laugh at. I hope that they will provide you with some insight and laughs.
