Creating a profile for a dating website is stressful enough but that isn’t even the first step. It is finding which site to use! There are websites for swingers, cheaters, poly daters, conservatives, you name it. Due to the fact that I don’t view myself as a “normal” dater, I tried the abnormal first.

Big. Mistake.

I learned that there are a LOT of sickos out there. Many of the swinger and cheater sites want you to provide intimate information before your profile is even set up. I mean, who wants to tell the world that they like being choked while taking it from behind before exchanging REAL names? Not this gal!

The conservative dating sites like EHarmony and Match.com are more geared for those people that are ready to settle down and start a family. Again, not me. It was a long process of trial and error but I eventually settled on OkCupid and Nerve. At first, it was kind of embarrassing to me. I didn’t know how to describe myself in entertaining, short, quippy paragraphs!

I would write an entire profile and then edit it down to basically nothing, just to start again. I’d add every picture of me in the last five years before deciding that my butt looked too big in half of them. I worried and stressed what to say and how to say it. Then one day, my partner agreed to take a look. His words rang out with a truth that I pass on to all of you, regardless of your dating status. “Catch their attention, be honest, keep it short, and remember that no one really reads those things anyway.”

That is the bible of online dating.

I realized that the whole poly thing needed to be said at the beginning. If someone is able to accept that fact and read through the rest of my profile, then things are moving in the right direction.

The more I started using these online forums to find potential dates, the more open minded and/or non-monogamous people I started running into. For so long, I had thought that no one was like me or was accepting of the lifestyle but e-dating changed that view quickly. Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you now, we are everywhere.

I did set up some ground rules for myself. People who are close to my own age and live nearby. The person had to have read my profile (I asked pointed questions just to be sure) and had to have pictures that gave a clear idea of what they looked like. I progressed to instant messaging quickly because it is easier to determine if a person is witty or entertaining via IM than email. So long as that went well, texting or even talking on the phone was okay. If after a month or so, the interest was still there, I would set up a date. Some of these were disasters, some were mediocre, and others were actually nice. Some developed into attachments and some didn’t. However, though I’ve had relationships, I stumbled across a complete surprise.

I’d get to know these men and women with the idea of creating a romantic attachment but more than anything, I created friendships. Solid, lasting, inspiring, challenging, supportive, and needed friendships.

So after years of perusing the internet, I actually have a social circle made entirely from dating websites. There is the…
-cute best friend/ boy scout who hates clothes,
-successful engineer covered in tattoos who dj’s for fun,
-gorgeous girl who is addicted to Maynard and fine chocolates,
-cop who closely resembles an NFL linebacker,
-guy in training for Nascar who introduced me to Red Vs Blue,
-weekend warrior who I met for the first time at a gay techno club (and  damn, did that straight boy get his groove on!),
-could-be-a-model-he’s-that-good-looking but needs a support group for his Battlestar Galactica addiction,
-goofball with 8 pack abs, covered in body ink, and degrees in both Classic Literature and Economics,
-mohawk chick who runs her family’s comic book business,
-single mom who makes me giggle involuntarily and often,
-philosophy major who looks hot in his guyliner,
-sexy, hot, kindergarten teacher lookalike who has a job most of us would kill for (cough, Gwen, cough),
-uber-conservative Christian that is pure goodness but with a wicked sense of humor,
and then me.

The bisexual, polyamorous gal with a plethora of tattoos, nerd chic glasses who can’t go to enough concerts or own enough graphic novels and who uses the internet to reveal just how much of nerd and perv, I truly am.

I know that at some point, I’ll find a person to date from one of my memberships on all these websites but in the mean time, the odd assortment of friends I keep collecting is more than enough for me.

I’ve written articles before about how to initiate it, how to do it in person or over the internet, and how to improve it but I have yet to address what happens in the psyche of a girl after the deed is done. Since men often are confused and uncertain about what girls really mean or want, I’m going to break it down for you.

First, congratulations, you got laid! Give yourself a pat on the back and high five those you told because you got some. I hope it was good for you and if it wasn’t, well, better luck next time. But that isn’t what this is about; this is about how to deal with the aftermath.

Know that we talk about things with our friends. Some of us are more private than others but trust me when I say, that our girlfriends know when we have sex because they are the ones we turn to for advice. So if you start getting funny looks from those around the lady you just diddled with, it’s probably because she told them about how you got a leg cramp mid-thrust or have a weird mole on your butt.

Now, if you meet some random girl and there is no chemistry, let it go. Be polite, say thank you, but stick to your guns and let her know that it was a one-time thing. It will keep her from getting her hopes up. Chances are that a random hookup expects just as little from you as you expect from her. Should you see her again, don’t be a dick and avoid her. Say hello and move on. Any repeat performances will play with her head.

If you have a booty call arrangement with someone or a friends with benefits, chances are that both of you are pretty clear about what you want out of things. However, if there starts to be awkwardness or confusion, be direct and talk about it. Women often feel like men do things out of the blue because you don’t let us know what’s going on before you make a decision.

Whatever you expect from a situation, make sure that you know what it is that you want and what it is that you don’t. Men, you need to understand that for chicks, the not knowing kills us. We don’t know if it was just sex or if you want to do it again. We have no idea if you regret it or enjoyed it. We aren’t sure if you are interested in us as a bang buddy, just friend, or something more unless you say so. I know it sucks to have to be the one to talk about things but if you don’t, it makes for uncertainty and hurt feelings.

Every once in a while, two people, who have been platonic with each other, will cross a line into bedroom territory. When this happens, the situation becomes delicate. Since the foundation of friendship was already there, adding sex into the mix can be confusing. So guys, if you have no intention of making a repeat performance, say so. If you want to repeat, say so. If you want to move in a direction that is less platonic, say so. Not saying anything will lead to tension and the white elephant in the room will start to take up more and more space. And since having a chick friend can come in serious handy occasionally, not bringing up what happened will end up fucking up the social circle.

Here is the warning: Should either or both of you be intoxicated (by any source) during the encounter, know that this creates paranoia. Be careful that whomever you do the horizontal tango with is someone you trust. Drunken  nights can be fun but hazy memories can be dangerous. Moving on…

Women are emotional creatures. Even the ice queens have feelings, though they rarely show it. We are psychologically programmed to connect intimate behaviors with emotions. That means sex is rarely just sex for us (please note: there are exceptions to this rule). Our minds run the gambit of what if scenarios afterward. Was it just sex? Will I hear from him again? Did he use me? Did I use him? Should I call? Does he actually like me? Do I like him? Am I supposed to regret this? Does he regret it? Does he think I’m a slut? Was I bad? You get the idea!

If our behavior changes after you have sex with us, read the above questions. You will understand the maelstrom of uncertainty that is eating at us. So as a girl, I ask all of you men out there to alleviate the fears for us women folk. Be a man and after you bang us, talk about it. Not doing so will probably land you in the category of “douche bag” and trust me; we tell our friends when that happens too.

The discussions always lead down the same road….. That things have gotten boring.

So in an effort to spice things up for all of you, my friends and readers; it is time to learn a lesson. A lesson in foreplay!

For the ladies:

My fellow chicks, I am aware that the male genitalia can be intimidating. It isn’t exactly pretty, there are a couple of accessories that can be distracting, and grooming standards have yet to be standardized. This has led many ladies to ignore or rush through the pre-penetration activities. First, it is just a penis. There is no need to panic! Touching it in any way is going to help it rise to the occasion and will always be appreciated. Try stroking, caressing, or (hell) even exploring his more delicate regions to find out where his particular sensitive areas are. This intimate knowledge gives you an edge; you know how he likes it.

If you are unsure of the basics of there are some tips.

-Not every guy can get or keep an erection. On the underside of his shaft, there is a vein that runs the length. By massaging it gently, you are increasing the blood flow and things will pop up in no time.

-Just under the head, along the ridge, on the underside there is a nerve grouping. Be gentle but give this area some much needed attention, your man will appreciate it.

-Lube is your friend. If you are going to be giving your man a hand job, dry skin on dry skin isn’t always pleasant. So either lotion up your hand ahead of time or be willing to use some lubricants to make the sliding a little easier.

-His balls really are the family jewels. I know, they look weird and just kind of hang there, but trust me on this one. Hold the sack in your hand and (gently) massage. Think of how you would juggle a pair of meditation balls in your fingers, rotating them in your hand…. Your man’s junk likes how that feels too. A few squeezes here and there can be good but keep it soft.

-Men like their nipples played with. Kiss ‘em, suck ‘em, nibble on ‘em, just don’t forget about ‘em.

-Oral. Do it! A lot of women are unsure of their oral skills. I have a very simple suggestion; let your man guide the way. Have him teach you what he likes or what feels good! Keep the suction going; don’t forget to use your tongue, and coordinating hand movements can help too. If all else fails, think of his dick as a lollipop (yes, I mean literally), he’ll love you for twirling the tip around your tongue!

For you men:

In your rush to bang, guys tend to forget that a lady’s engine must be warmed up, cold starts don’t usually work. We need coaxing into sexual activities. Everyone knows that the end goal is penetration but you can’t run a marathon without doing a few warm up exercises. Be aware that some girls are uncomfortable being naked in front of you, so the brighter the lights, the shorter the show. On the other hand, we don’t want you fumbling around in the dark, trying to guess what goes where; so a happy medium will work nicely.

-Our bodies are a scavenger hunt. You know there is going to be buried treasure when you get to the end but reading the map along the way helps you on the journey.

-Kissing is a must. It helps us gauge whether or not there is chemistry with you. And! How good you are with your tongue. Yep, if you can’t kiss then chances are you will be failing the oral exam too.

-Ears, neck, and shoulders. I’m not sure why these are erogenous zones but they are. Trail your fingers along them, kiss softly, bite gently and we’ll start to melt.

-Hair really is like handlebars. I’m going to guide you into this one. Spread your fingers, put them into the hairline at the base of the neck, and get a good grip. It isn’t really about hair “pulling”, it is about getting a good hold. You can use this to guide us. And newsflash, having a man control the tempo during a make-out session is fucking hot!

-Boobs are just boobs. Yes, we like them played with and yes, you should show attention but while they are a playground to you, they are just boobs to us. We aren’t quite as fascinated with our tits as you gentlemen are. So after the initial fascination of seeing our chest, get the show on the road!

-Inner thighs, hips, and butt will unlock better things to come. The saying “close but no cigar” comes to mind with these regions. You are right there and boy, do our bodies know it. Tease away, gentlemen!

-Fingers: appetizers before the main course. We may not be ready to have ALL of you inside us but a preview would be nice. If you do external rubbing, great! Rolling the nub between your thumb and forefinger is fabulous. But if you do internal rubbing, even better! In the words of the legend, Mr. Trent Reznor, feel us from the inside. While poking and jabbing can be pleasant, let me teach you the best method: palm up, insert first finger, curl it slightly (that ridge/bulge is known as the g spot), then thrust in and out. Ta-da!

-Your tongue + our clit = fireworks. On to the best part! Women love oral. If a woman says different, then she hasn’t had it done right. So part the seas, set sail, and bon voyage! While kissing downstairs is nice, we really want your tongue. You can lick the inner lips (up one side/ down the other), insert the tongue, whatever but you need to find the clitoris. Once there, kiss it, lick it, suck it, bite it until she goes wild. If you need a new trick…. Turn your head slightly, take the clit and hood into your mouth, bite gently, apply suction, and then drag your teeth as you pull your head back.

I know that sex is great and it is always going to be the main event. But don’t just go to the theater for the main show; enjoy the previews along the way. Sometimes, you discover something new and you’ll want to remember it for future reference…. I promise!

I got all sorts of responses:

Why?

Does it make you happy?

Whatever floats your boat!

Good for you but no details please.

Wait, you get to keep your relationship and bang other people? F’n score!

You name it and I’ve probably heard it. The most repetitive questions seemed to be about how I meet people and what I say to make the big reveal.

To the first part, I meet people the same way most monogamous people do; through mutual interests, friends, work, school, or the internet. As for how I tell people, since I can’t hide my partner and I’m usually surrounded by my friends, it is usually brought up at the very beginning. All of my online profiles have my status listed as either “open relationship” or “it’s complicated”, depending upon the options I have to choose from. When someone I know is introducing me, it isn’t odd for them to say “and this is Christin, my poly friend.” I’m the new token friend: poly, lol.

Once a person that is interested in me (or vice versa) and I begin to talk, I usually explain my life. I’m open, honest, and keep a sense of humor about it. A lot of the time, it means that I make a new friend and not a romantic interest but that is ok with me. Women seem to suspect that I am an adulteress and not representing myself correctly. Men are much more open-minded about the idea. Since a poly relationship doesn’t take away the freedom that so many people cherish, it can be eye opening. There are those who are afraid of commitment and think that poly dating will be the answer to their prayers but it really isn’t.

In a polyamorous relationship, there is still room for commitment (yes, even marriage) and fidelity. Many poly couples set boundaries, guidelines, and rules for any new trysts. Some seem obvious because they are about safety, like always use a condom. Others are tailor made for the individual. There are those that don’t want to meet or know the person that their partner is interested in until it becomes serious or there are those that want to be fully involved in the process. I tend to be more of the “do what you want, just keep me in the loop” persuasion.

For those of you that wonder about jealousy, let me assure you, it does happen. It is a natural reaction and emotion when the person that you have feelings for becomes interested in another person. The key to jealousy is communication. When we feel secure in our relationship and can talk about what is bothering us, we are less apt to overreact.

If you are a monogamous person and interested in someone who is poly, there are going to be some rough roads ahead of you. You’ll need to understand that at some point, planned or not, they are going to look outside the confines of your relationship for additional companionship. It isn’t that you aren’t enough or that they aren’t attracted to you or that there is anything wrong with you at all; a person who is poly has the ability and desire to love more than one person at a time. Misunderstanding what has happened or not being totally honest with each other are the most common mistakes. Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be. A monogamous person can have a hard time dealing with the fact that their boy/girlfriend is spending time with others or maybe even crossing the boundaries into sex. The only way to walk through that minefield is by talking openly and honestly with each other.

Overall, I can’t say that I’ve been hugely successful in the dating department since announcing that I was poly but I’ve met some amazing people along the way. The relationships I’ve had, outside of my primary one, have taught me lessons about myself more than anything and to have faith in other people too.

So now I’m going to start adding some of my poly adventures here, for you to read and laugh at. I hope that they will provide you with some insight and laughs.

I hate to break the bubble, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen, and not for the lack of trying (well, sometimes for the lack of trying).  Yet some women feel such pressure to give a little orgasm performance so that he can think he’s the man, and she will forever be sexually unsatisfied because once you fake an orgasm, there is no un-faking.  He will think he did it! And that means he will do the same thing next time because he thought you loved it! Ah, the vicious fake orgasm cycle begins.

Faking orgasms under ANY circumstance seems like a bad idea. Why? Because you are not just lying to him, you are lying to yourself! Fake enough orgasms and you’ll think you don’t deserve better.  Also, why give credit where credit isn’t due?! Orgasms are explosive, amazing, relaxing, and mind-blowing – don’t let someone take that away from you!  Yes, sometimes the guy just isn’t quite doing it for you. Maybe it’s his technique, maybe your mind isn’t in the right place, or maybe you just really aren’t into it at all. However, you won’t get any satisfaction from your theatrical performance.  In my opinion, lying about an orgasm is just like lying about anything else in a relationship. If it’s a one night stand, sure a little lie might not seem to be that big a deal, but sometimes they turn into something more and then you’re screwed (and not in the good way).  Furthermore, if it is a one night stand, why care so much what the guy thinks anyways.  Faking an orgasm doesn’t make either of you any wiser about achieving pleasure or connecting with another person. Either do what you need to get that happy ending, or just enjoy the pleasurable part before.

Next time just ask yourself WHO you are faking it for and is he really worth the big lie?  Just enjoy the sex for what it is, and try for an orgasm next time around….and if all else fails, invite your vibrator.

Before I moved from San Francisco, I worked mornings at a luxury health facility that gave me enough eye candy to last a lifetime.  This morning in particular was no different than any other morning. I got to work at my usual time and assumed my usual position at the front desk. Considering my ungodly early morning shift, I decided to take a nap in the employee break room downstairs during my “lunch” hour.  The break room consists of a couch, a table behind it and lockers for the personal trainers.  After thirty minutes of blissful sleep, I woke-up, sleepily looking around and saw one of the new trainers looking at me from the chair across the room.

“Good morning sleepy head, you look adorable when you sleep,” he said, smiling as he spoke.

I grinned back, waving off his comment, and tried to wrap my head around another long, boring day ahead of me. While I waited for the sleepiness to evaporate, my 6’4” and cut to perfection visitor stood up and sat behind the couch I was perched on and started massaging my shoulders.  My body instantly gave way to his strong, masculine touch as his hands moved from my neck to my head and back to my shoulders.

After about ten minutes of heaven, I mumbled to him that I needed to get back to work. I had long since missed the end time of my break, and I needed to get back to checking gym member’s IDs. He responded to my weak attempt to detach his hands with: “I just can’t seem to take my hands off of you.” Yes, seriously!

I was still in such a sleep/massage drunken state that I barely recognized the meaning in that statement.  He moved his hand to the front of my neck and held it as leverage as he massaged me.  His fingers started closing in, slowly choking me a little.

“I’m sorry, my chocking fetish is coming out a bit,” he said, to which I replied “no problem, I have one too…”

His grip got tighter, and I started losing all sense of reality as my body responded to this erotic gesture.  Suddenly he moved in and started passionately kissing me!  At this point, there was nothing I could do but just give in to it all. I felt his hand around my neck, stealing my oxygen, and I was just powerless to it all. All reason vanished and all I knew was his lips, his tongue and his hands as they moved down to my breasts.  Within seconds he’d unbuttoned my white blouse, and exposed me to the world — or in this case, the employee’s break room where at that moment anyone could walk in.

Thankfully, I still had enough sense to realize this and reverse his efforts, by reinforcing his naughty behaviour with my kisses and turning the choking game on him.

“You are so sexy! I want to go down on you so bad,” he breathed into my ear, which just fueled the fire.

I pulled him closer to me, threatening to never let him go with my grip around his neck.  All of a sudden, we slowed things down and our kissing turned sweet, almost loving, making a complete 180 from our previous ravishing of each other.  My mind seemed to clear and I remembered where I was, and finally (against my own desires) told him I had to go back to work, it was already thirty minutes past my break.  I turned my back to him, collected myself, and walked out the door, leaving him without looking back.

A couple minutes later I was back at the front desk, wishing the next gym member a very good morning with a big smile on my face and a sexy memory that did more than get me through my boring day.

NerdyPerv is used to people picking our brains when it comes to matters of the libido. Sometimes our resident sexpert can answer questions that leave Chris and Gwen scratching their heads or holding back giggles. She’s the mature, respectable, and truly knowledgeable one amongst us. She keeps us in line and always brings the goods.

The following question popped in our mailbox over the weekend. Take it away, lady!!

NerdyPerv,

I’ve just started dating a girl and she admitted to me recently that she doesn’t masturbate…ever.  She says she likes sex and gets off just fine to it, but should I be concerned that she’s not as “in-touch” with herself as she could be?  Could this mean that she has low self-esteem, or maybe that she’s not confident with her sexuality?

Thanks, really appreciate any advice you can give!

Thanks!

If you have questions for any of us, please submit to the Brain Trust.

It’s tough being a sexual athlete

There have been a few men in my life (or rather in my bed) who seemed to have watched a bit too much porn in their free time.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love porn.  I watch all kinds of porn on a regular basis and quite enjoy it. All the sweaty bodies slapping together and gruff noises coming from the couples make for some nice late night entertainment. But it’s important to remember one thing when you see these sexual athletes perform – they are SEXUAL ATHLETES! Do you watch football and think you can do what they do on the field? NO! So why is it that people assume that they can have sex like porn stars?

Getting back to the men in my bed, on a number of occasions, I have found myself flipped around every 5 seconds because one position just wasn’t good enough for longer than that. How the hell am I supposed to enjoy the sex?  I can barely think about how my clit is going to get stimulated before I get tossed into another position like a rag doll.

Or let’s talk about movement.  The men who flip me around so enthusiastically act as if they have very little knowledge of basic sex techniques when it comes to inserting their penis into my vagina. The hips are doing circles, moving up, moving down, left, right, and sideways. Orgasms are out of the question because I’m too busy watching the circus tricks happening on my vagina!

But, I should also point out that women porn stars are incredibly flexible, more so than the average woman, because great angles make for the perfect camera shot!  And when people get the majority of their ideas about sex from porn, it’s easy to think this is the correct way to have sex. But, most women are not porn stars; they do not want to be twisted like a pretzel while you pound away!

What about being able to go all night?  Now I am a huge fan of being so passionate with someone you are able to stay up all night — fucking, laughing, playing, kissing, cuddling — but way too many people see going all night as “gotta insert my penis into vagina all night long.” If someone had vaginal intercourse with me all night long I would be screaming in pain by morning!  My vagina is not a theme park — it cannot be open all the time.  Editing does wonders and makes porn stars look as if they are lasting for hours!  Besides, they have been doing this for a while, they get paid to have sex and probably use amazing amounts of lubricants, Viagra in some cases and probably ice after!

And now, penis size.  Let’s start with the fact that most porn stars are tiny little women; little over 5” and weighing about 100lbs!  Production companies cast small women because they make a penis look HUGE!  Advice: if you want to make your junk look porn worthy, shave your pubic region! Because without surgery, shaving is about all you can do to make your penis look larger.

So I say just relax! Enjoy the sex you are having without trying to live up to some porn standards.  If you want to fuck like a porn star, become a porn star – and leave my vagina to the regular naughty Joe’s!

If sex was a video game, the Threesome would no doubt be a major Unlockable Achievement. Many people joke about it, many fear it, but only a select few, it seems, ever go through with it. And for good reason: it’s hard enough to balance the emotional and physical needs between two people. Adding a third to the mix most definitely makes a crowd. Temper in a little jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion and you have a perfect storm to ruin any otherwise healthy relationship.

Having said that, threesomes, for lack of a better word, are awesome. My experiences have only been limited to the boy-girl-girl persuasion, but a number of them have led me to keep a level head and a measured “professionalism” when it comes to buffets of the flesh. In a perfect world, this guide would encompass all relationship types and all sexual preferences. Instead, for the first part of what I hope to be a series, I’ll be focusing on my experiences as the boyfriend in a straight relationship that decides to take on a third. (Your particular orientation and results may vary.)

So guys, start by reading the following statements:

- I want to have a threesome to spice up our otherwise ignorable sex life.
- I want to have a threesome, and I’ve already picked out who I want the third to be.
- I want to have a threesome in order to sleep with someone else “legally”.

If any of the above are true, and you have no other reason to participate, congratulations – you’re probably going to end your relationship soon. The point being, a threesome doesn’t magically cure any relationship malady, or even boredom, for that matter. The best case scenario for a couple to choose being in a threesome starts with a good foundation of honest communication, love, trust… you know, all that good stuff. It’s ironic, then, that the best couple candidates for threesomes are the ones who would be perfectly fine never having one.

Having a threesome starts with a discussion – one that will more than likely be in a series of them. The theme of said discussion: simply if you and your partner are open to the idea. There’s no need to bring up specifics immediately; as previously mentioned, not everyone is cut out for it. Your partner may have no interest in sharing you. They may have no interest in being with someone of the same sex, or maybe you don’t. In all honesty, you don’t know unless you ask.

Next comes the time to talk rules. As the guy in a straight relationship, this was the point where we mutually made concessions. One partner, for instance, wasn’t comfortable with watching me penetrate the other woman, however, oral play and touching was okay. At that point, I took a logical, “prisoner’s dilemma” approach to the situation: in a selfish way, it was in my best interests to agree, as doing so resulted in me getting to sleep with two women at once. From a loving perspective, she was setting a personal boundary that she wanted respected, and if I loved and cared about her, I was obligated to respect it.

Discussing rules may take a series of conversations; you might find yourself picking up and dropping the topic over weeks or months. The most important point being that all partners a) come to their conclusions organically, b) discuss them open and honestly, and c) listen and respect their partner’s conclusions implicitly.

Now is the time to pick the partner. As with many steps in this process, haste is once again your enemy. Case in point, it’s joked about in the polyamorous community that a single, bisexual woman interested in dating a couple is known as a “unicorn”. This should give you an indication at the patience involved in finding a potential playmate. Posting ads on dating sites is permissible but not required. In all honesty, my best experiences were that of a “joint-single” approach: essentially, my partner and I would hit on women together, with discretion, at a public setting like a bar or club. Sometimes, nights working together to land a woman’s phone number ended up being exciting and interesting by itself.

With a potential partner secured, with rules firmly in place, and with adequate protection, it’s in a guy’s best interests to act as a submissive facilitator. The emotional and physical needs of your partner should be paramount, as well as the boundaries set by your guest. Your needs, sad to say, must then come last – that’s probably the deepest, darkest secret of successfully experimenting with threesomes. Months ago, you may have got the ball rolling with a simple question, but at this point, with regards to your wants and needs, you’ll need a little blind faith. Thanks to the good line of communication you’ve already established with your partner (*ahem*), this shouldn’t be as scary as it sounds.

After the goodbyes are said, the dismissal rules should be adhered to: did you agree to the possibility of seeing this person again, or to burn the phone number and disappear from each other’s lives? In one particular instance, a third my partner and I invited in really liked us to the point of wanting to remain “friends with benefits”. Sadly for her, my partner and I agreed prior to walk away, so as to not inspire jealousy. (Just because we fucked doesn’t mean we’re Facebook buddies.) Again, thanks to the many conversations you’ve had about the matter, this should be easy to follow. It’s important to note that, while for a short time, your relationship consisted of three, after your affair, you should quickly return to your former, single partner allegiance.

Threesomes are never without risk and require a lot of patience and planning, but are ultimately an exciting way to spend a night. While there is no way I can cover all the subtle nuances of these discussions, this was a basic road map that I noticed were consistent factors of success. And while it may not be a sexy thing to admit, the byproduct of having open, honest communication with my partner about our sexual nature was probably the best part of every threesome I had.

Lubricants are a great addition to any sexual activity.  You can use it to reduce the friction during hour-long romp sessions, minimize discomfort, flavor body parts or maybe just to try something new.

So now you have made the decision to try some — but how the hell are you supposed to decide which ones to get with hundreds of choices out there? Hopefully this little guide can get you on your way.

First, I’d like to split lubricants into two categories: Silicone lubricants vs. Water-based lubricants (I am purposefully leaving out OIL: it traps bacteria and is not latex safe, which means infections and broken condoms are more likely.)

Silicone Lubricants:

They are smooth, silky and hypoallergenic.  The particles of silicone are too large to actually soak into your skin, so a little bit can go a long way. It’s perfect for male masturbation. It’s also great to use in the shower since it’s waterproof, but you will need soap and water to wash it away.  CAUTION: If you use it in the shower please make sure it doesn’t get all over the bottom of the tub unless you want to crack your head open!  Another little downside to silicone lube – it may stain your sheets (which can be avoided by putting down towels or cheap sheets).

Using with toys – Silicone lubricant can be a great addition to sex toys UNLESS you have toys made from silicone materials.  These two can bond together and leave your toys (and your sheets) sticky and icky.  Do a little spot test with the lubricant on the toy before you start playing.

Water Based Lubricants:

Within water-based, I like to separate them into a few different categories of viscosity and ingredients – gels, creams, liquids, glycerin free, and flavored.

Gels – gels are nice and thick, and last the longest when it comes to water-based lubes because they won’t soak into your skin or evaporate quickly.  You can use gels for every kind of sexual activity, but they are especially great for anal sex: they provide a nice cushion for the sensitive tissue, and you won’t have to reapply quite as often as with a thinner lube, as the rectum is designed to soak up moisture, so the thicker the better.  TIP: For anal sex, add a little silicone to the gel so you can have it long lasting and thick.

Creams – creams last longer than thin liquid lubes and feel very much like natural body lubrication.  A lot of people love creams because they can add a little soothing sensation to vaginal tissue due to the lotion in them.  When it comes to oral sex, be aware that they might have a bit of a bitter taste.

Liquids – liquids are great if you just want to add a little extra to your play.  They are great for vaginal intercourse if you don’t want too much added moisture.

Glycerin Free – glycerin is a sugar alcohol that by itself is not harmful.  Glycerin is used to help lubes last longer, although it is also what can make them feel a bit sticky towards the end.  Some women have sensitivities to this ingredient and there are plenty of options out there that are glycerin free. It does not cause yeast infections BUT if you already have one it can make it worse.

Flavored – These are generally just for oral sex and not intercourse: most of them will contain sugar which can facilitate yeast infections and will get very sticky, very quickly.  If you really want to use one for intercourse (although I have to wonder why, since neither your anus nor vagina have taste buds) look for a flavored lube that contains aspartame (the same stuff they put in diet coke) instead of real sugar.

Watching your ingredients:

Some women experience burning sensations after vaginal intercourse, but never quite understand why and are too embarrassed to discuss it with their partners.  Although there can be many different reasons for this (STI, UTI, yeast infections, etc), it can also be from lubricants or lubricated condoms. (Or latex sensitivity, but we will get to that another time.)

Some lubricants can have a lot of crap in them.  If you never have any problems, don’t worry about it.  But if you have sensitivities, it can come from ingredients such as glycerin, parabens, and propylene glycol.  Choose one with very few ingredients. (The Sliquid line is a great one for that.)

Now, go have some amazingly lubed up sex!