I’ve never had a problem balancing the different demands on my schedule because I happen to be organized. Very organized, actually; to the point of prioritizing my to-do lists and then giving them deadlines and blocking off specific times to accomplish the task. Yes, I know, I’m weird.

You would think that my immense mastery in the game of time juggling would make balancing my life and a new boyfriend easy. I mean the transition of bringing him into my life was very smooth, so setting aside nights just for each other should be too. But it isn’t.

My partner travels quite a bit for work. His schedule takes him away from home, out of town, or even out of the country- every few weeks and the trips are never less than a week. It means that the time I get with him is precious because there isn’t a whole lot of it. When I started dating the boyfriend, my partner was willing to give up some of “his” nights while the romance developed. Now that things are more stable, it is different.

The solution seems simple: when the partner is gone, spend time with the boyfriend. Except after a while, that starts to feel like one is replacing the other.

Finding the answer to this problem came when the three of us sat down together and talked it out. We each had to lay out our expectations and needs. I like my privacy and there are times when I don’t want to spend time with anyone. I like retreating into my shell to focus on work or school and it can be days before I resurface. The guys seemed much easier to please.

We all agree that spending consecutive nights together was okay but that the boyfriend needed spend most of his time at his apartment. Then it was about the partner wanting me to visit if he was close by for work or talk on the phone without restraint. My partner also said that he didn’t mind giving up some of his nights home so that I could go out.

The revelation came when the two of them admitted that they liked it when the three of us hung out together more than anything. Those nights that we go out together, the three of us, with friends were also preferred. We came to an understanding regarding sleeping arrangements that meant that everyone gets a fair amount of time and my partner stays my primary relationship. Dates are scheduled in advance too.

Managing this poly life used to mean a constant Tug-Of-War for time; now it means updating the shared calendar app on our phones.

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Men like their own space, their own stuff. I guess it is territorial but I’ve found that most guys prefer to sleep in their own home. In my relationship with my partner, this isn’t a big deal because we live together. In my relationship with my boyfriend, the solution wasn’t so obvious.

Many times, the end of the night would come and we’d be curled up on his sofa. But rather than stay, I’d head home- to my bed. I think my boyfriend thought I was crazy at first. He hated watching me leave and saying goodbye took up to an hour sometimes but I always left.

One day, he confronted me and I was forced to confess. I prefer my own bed to any comfortable space he could possibly offer in his apartment. It had been a preference that I’d hidden because I was ashamed to admit such selfishness. Instead of it angering him, he laughed.

He told me that he liked the idea of being with me, no matter where we were, and if I’d rather be at my house then he was fine with that.

I brought up the subject with my partner of having my boyfriend sleep at our place. He was hesitant about sharing the space that has always been designated as “just ours” but agreed. Having your partner trust your boyfriend is definitely a perk when you are asking to change one of the main rules in your relationship.

The first time he stayed with me, I had to remind the boyfriend that he would need a change of clothes. The second, not to forget his toothbrush. The third, to bring deodorant. The fourth, again to not forget his toothbrush. The fifth, to just keep a toothbrush at my house. In the beginning, he stayed one night. Then it became part of the next day and then most of the next day. Eventually, we were spending days together while my partner was out of town for work.

The bed issue which had seemed so serious a few months ago has now become a non-issue. He admits mine is more comfortable anyway.

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Due to my history, my partner asked that I refrain from physical intimacy with the new boyfriend until things were on solid ground. In guy speak, I think this meant until he was okay with the idea since in the past, he hadn’t always been given a choice in the matter.

So with the progression of my relationship, boundaries were in place. I did try to discuss this with him but the new boy didn’t seem to care. He just shrugged his shoulders and said that it was okay. He told me that other things were important. When I seemed baffled by his nonchalant way of dealing with the lack of sex, he response shocked me even more, “Perhaps that’s because you haven’t been with a guy who actually respected women.”

It was so clear and concise. He viewed men that tried to use desire to influence a woman as pathetic. To him, a man shouldn’t try to get a woman turned on so that she would compromise. He didn’t deny that, at some point, it would be part of our relationship. He accepted that my partner wasn’t comfortable with it and that I was respecting those wishes. He accepted it without complaint.

Don’t think that when my partner gave me the green light, we jumped right in the sack. The boyfriend wanted it to mean more. We had spent weeks just laying next to each other and talking. We’d kiss and cuddle while we listened to music. I’d lie in his lap or he’d prop his feet up on me during a movie.

When the night came that we did cross the line, we were already physically comfortable around each other. I traced his collarbone lightly and he held my face. There were some awkward moments as we figured out exactly how Part A fit with Part B. After it was over, we joked.

I realized that our relationship had already been intimate. We may not have known the location of every mole or tickle spot but we knew each other. I already knew the man. We already had a relationship. It had already been approved of. We’d just added the icing on the cake: consummation.

Since then, we’ve been able to reveal things we like and things we don’t. There have been compromises but it has only been to please the other and I’ve been grateful that the two men in my life made me wait. I appreciated the importance more because of that delay. Discovering the talents and secrets that only sex reveals did start a new chapter in our relationship; I was just glad it wasn’t in Chapter One.

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I am extremely fortunate in my partner. He has always been my Adonis, total eye candy but with a heart of gold, brawn to match any opponent and the street smarts to solve any problem. (If you can’t tell, I absolutely adore him.) He is a man that allows me to explore without much restraint and never discourages me.

When I was in the midst of my “poly break”, my partner and I sat down to have some serious discussions. He told me that it bothered him immensely when I dated someone and that person teased him with the possibility of friendship that was not genuine. They wanted me to compartmentalize.

These relationships didn’t mind putting a toe in the waters of the other facets of my life but they were rarely willing to dive in. It is more that these people were cautious about walking into a world that is unfamiliar. However, I realized just how important it was for whomever I was with to want to be a part of my life, my whole life.

My partner told me that I couldn’t try to keep aspects of my life separate from each other anymore. I had already integrated my family and my friends together but that inclusion had yet to include my poly life. He told me that it was causing an incredible amount of friction. He wasn’t the cause of many of the problems but he caught the fallout from all of them. He said it was time to go beyond having rules and start setting limits.

Having a new friendship morph into something romantic suddenly was when I expected the “veto”. Instead, my friend proved to both myself and my partner that he was different. The time we spent together was focused on conversation. We started to open up about our lives, our pasts, and what we each wanted for the future.

I’m not sure how many of you girls can say that you’ve dated a guy who made no advances but I now can. He never tried to get anywhere. There were no roaming hands or misleading touches to test boundaries of what was okay. I knew the man was interested (they don’t hide it well) but he never pushed. I think this is what made my partner respect him. When they finally met, they both put forth a huge effort to find common grounds.

Things morphed quickly. We could hang out without it being weird or awkward. I could show affection to one in front of the other and no one averted their eyes. It was mutually agreed upon that bedroom activities could wait until everyone was sure about the relationship. It wasn’t about just myself and my partner or myself and the new boy. It was about the three of us.

Before I dropped him into the fire, I introduced the new boy to my best friend. They struck up a conversation about different types of philosophy and discussed book recommendations on the subject. Approval was given soon thereafter. That was when the new friend turned love interest became the official boyfriend.

One by one, my other friends met him. Each of them was curious about the first boyfriend to show an interest in getting to know them. It wasn’t until a buddy of mine pulled me aside one night and said “This one, he is great!” that I was sure about him.

Too bad, his partner couldn’t say the same for me.

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After several years and numerous failed relationships, I had finally reached a point where I approached my partner to discuss the fact that I was going on a break from the poly life for a while. The latest one had affected both of us, in a very strong and very negative way. I didn’t want to become cynical but it was hard when looking back.

Beginning a not-in-person friendship with another poly person who was in a serious, committed relationship seemed safe. Both of us had primary relationships and that gave me a sense of security to let my guard down. I outright refused to allow even minor flirtations to occur.

This is where the God laughing part applies. When we met, I was stunned. I’ve been affected by people immediately before but this was different. He put me at ease. I can’t say that I wasn’t nervous but when I saw him walk in, calm kicked in. It felt like I was meeting a friend, which is exactly what was happening. We sat in the bar and had a few beers. He was jittery and embarrassed. I could tell that he was anxious about meeting me. I already knew that he was brilliant and funny. He’d already shown himself to be compassionate but persistent. The part that I wasn’t exactly ready for was the “him” in person part. The pictures that he’d sent me in emails and messages were of him in “guyliner” looking all dramatic or even licking his bass guitar. I’d jokingly told him that, at first, I’d thought him too “artsy” for me.

That opinion drastically changed when I saw him. Cosmetics aside, he was beyond good looking. I knew he wasn’t feeling that confident about things because he was slightly hunched over in his walk.  The longer we talked, the more relaxed he got. I got to see that he was goofy and that a smile lit his face up.

Since I’m awful about eating at normal meal times, we headed to a fast food joint. My heart was pounding the entire time that he was sitting next to me. At least- until we touched. It was weird to feel the tension just melt. His jittery mannerisms disappeared and my stomach stopped doing flips. He looked straight into my eyes and looked absolutely mystified.

I won’t go into details about the rest of our first date. Yes, we kissed. No, nothing else happened. A night that was supposed to be “just drinks” lasted for more than eight hours and the sun was coming up when I pulled into my garage. It took leaving him that night for me to realize that we had been more than “just friends” before we had even met. I had a sense of wonder at the turn of events. Just weeks before, my heart had been ripped apart and I’d sworn to my partner and the world that I was taking a poly break but this one friend changed that.

Eating your words doesn’t happen often but I was forced to do so. And admitting that I was wrong, well it felt very right.

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A while back, I went through a bit of a crisis (though it felt like a tornado). I had to confront the completion of several stages of my life at one time and then make decisions on where to go in the future. All of that was problematic and the stress involved caused me to make mistakes.

The man that I was dating at the time was, unfortunately, affected. I went a bit wild and stopped considering that my actions might have consequences. I can’t take full responsibility for the fact that the relationship exploded but once it did, I knew that it was a preventable disaster.

In the immediate aftermath, I wasn’t sure what to write. Actually, I wasn’t sure how to write. I was so used to laying myself and my thoughts open to you that I hit a wall when I realized that I needed to keep things private until I was in a better place. Gwen and I discussed my life and what was going on in it. She let me take a step back from NerdyPerv to calm down and get my shit together. (I tell you all, now, that she is a truly amazing person and if you are one of the fortunate few that is able to call her “friend”, consider yourself blessed.)

I declared a “poly break” and that I was taking a few months off. I knew that I wouldn’t stop writing completely but even Gwen had to tell me when the quality of my work started suffering. For that, I apologize. Our readers and fans deserve nothing but the best and I did not deliver, I am eternally sorry.

However, within days of the emotional tornado, I made a new friend. We started off talking online and then texting. It was nice to have another poly person in my life but, for once, no romance entered the picture. Our conversations weren’t really about our lives or anything personal. We discussed politics and religion. He ranted about popular misconceptions and listened about my theories regarding the economy. The more we talked, the more I realized that I had missed something. In all the relationships that I have had in my poly life, I had let chemistry be the foundation. This new person made me see that I had always felt valued on a physical level more than an intellectual one. He was incredibly persistent about staying in contact. When something minor went wrong and I would pull away, he backed off but didn’t disappear. Sometimes, it was just a simple “Just wanted to say hi.” When something major went wrong and I tried to retreat completely, he refused to let me.

I learned that having a steady friendship was important. This one developed not because of what we had in common but because of what we could discuss- everything. When he changed the dynamic, I was stunned and unprepared. Our interaction had never been in person and I had been happy for things to stay that way. At least, until he said the word “date”.

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I find it all frustrating. Since this is one of the few times that I am unable to write without using personal examples. I am going to reveal a bit about myself to prove my point.

At the tender age of 13, I met a boy. He was goofy and tall and confident. We became friends and stayed that way for a very long time. As the years went by and we matured into (young) adults, we recognized that our friendship had the potential to blossom into something more. It was scary to take a chance changing everything we had built to see where a romance might go, but neither of us wanted to pass up an opportunity that might never come around again. As it turns out, that opportunity was once in a lifetime. I met my soul-mate (for those that believe in that type of thing) as a child. Over ten years later, our relationship is still going strong. It isn’t perfect and it is far from easy but our partnership has lasted far longer than those of the people who said we were “too young”.

Making the decision to fully embrace polyamory had many of the same effects. Advice came from all directions, both good and bad. The majority of it was regarding how fast or slow to take things. It seemed like each person that I encountered had some inside perspective on how a relationship is supposed to progress.

Let me tell all of you now: This. Is. Stupid.

It is hard enough to meet someone who strikes your fancy without putting undue pressure on yourself, your budding romance, or your new relationship. Should a person cross your path who lights up your world and you can’t bear to be apart- embrace it. Connecting with another person can be hard. Trying to make things work on some sort of regimented schedule is harder. It is downright ludicrous.

As long as your intuition tells you that things are secure, comfortable, and safe then have no fear. Let things develop as fast or as slow as you want. Sure, there are going to be naysayers and party poopers. Embrace that too. Those people who are giving you advice for your own well being or with your best interests at heart is always good. But those that are attempting to negatively influence your love life, regardless of how overt that interference might be, should be ignored.

Happiness does not come when we expect it. It takes us by surprise. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense and it wouldn’t work for anyone else. Finding happiness with another person…

Well, so long as it works for you- who cares if those on the outside looking in don’t get it?

Photo Source: http://www.bridezilla.com/funny%20wedding%20photo.jpg

The only time that polyamory has created friction inside of a relationship was when I tried dating a traditionalist. Obviously, in the beginning these men decreed that they got poly. These relationships blossomed and moved forward as any would. But at some point, we hit a wall. That wall was when he suddenly realized that all the things a traditional monogamous person wants; he wasn’t going to get- from me.

I always give the guys I date an out. I let them know that they are free to walk away from “us” at any time. I make sure that they understand that if they create a problem for me, my life, my primary relationship then that is exactly what I will do. So I afford them the same courtesy.

Over the course of many failed relationships, I realized that, while men proclaim themselves to have commitment phobias and not want to settle down, the moment you take those things off the table; it becomes a problem. Suddenly, the guy who has been through divorce hates the idea that he’ll never walk down the aisle again. The dude that has a child of his own can’t deal with the fact that there will be no additions to the brood.

Of course, the worst part of dating a traditionalist is fidelity. I tell every person that they are free to pursue other relationships or sexual partners at will because I can’t guarantee that I won’t ever do the same. Saying this isn’t what creates an issue. Most traditionalists either use this permission very sparingly or not at all. The issue is when things get serious. When the guy realizes that, though I have him and my partner, it may not stay that way. My actually making the choice to act creates an explosion.

Without fail, I have yet to date a traditionalist and it not blow up in both our faces. Jealousy is normal in any relationship. Being polyamorous does not remove normal human emotions from a person. These issues are solved through openness, honesty, and communication. It is impossible to escape hurt feelings entirely but it is just a bump in the road of that relationship. But when the other person is a traditionalist, no amount of these three concepts can stop that bump from being an enormous pothole.

I’ve had memorable relationships with traditionalist men. Each time, passion acted as the spark and jealousy was the fuel to the ensuing explosion. Everyone walked away burned.

There is nothing wrong in this world with have traditional values. With wanting to get married or have children or be with one person for the rest of your life. Inside the poly community, marriage and family are highly valued and remarkably common. But if you want that “one person” then being with someone who is polyamorous won’t work.

Poly means sharing. It means understanding that the person you are in love with has the option to be or fall in love with someone else. Being jealous that they consummate a connection or devote time to another relationship is natural. Unfortunately, I had to learn all the hard way: traditionalists don’t share!

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Creating a profile for a dating website is stressful enough but that isn’t even the first step. It is finding which site to use! There are websites for swingers, cheaters, poly daters, conservatives, you name it. Due to the fact that I don’t view myself as a “normal” dater, I tried the abnormal first.

Big. Mistake.

I learned that there are a LOT of sickos out there. Many of the swinger and cheater sites want you to provide intimate information before your profile is even set up. I mean, who wants to tell the world that they like being choked while taking it from behind before exchanging REAL names? Not this gal!

The conservative dating sites like EHarmony and Match.com are more geared for those people that are ready to settle down and start a family. Again, not me. It was a long process of trial and error but I eventually settled on OkCupid and Nerve. At first, it was kind of embarrassing to me. I didn’t know how to describe myself in entertaining, short, quippy paragraphs!

I would write an entire profile and then edit it down to basically nothing, just to start again. I’d add every picture of me in the last five years before deciding that my butt looked too big in half of them. I worried and stressed what to say and how to say it. Then one day, my partner agreed to take a look. His words rang out with a truth that I pass on to all of you, regardless of your dating status. “Catch their attention, be honest, keep it short, and remember that no one really reads those things anyway.”

That is the bible of online dating.

I realized that the whole poly thing needed to be said at the beginning. If someone is able to accept that fact and read through the rest of my profile, then things are moving in the right direction.

The more I started using these online forums to find potential dates, the more open minded and/or non-monogamous people I started running into. For so long, I had thought that no one was like me or was accepting of the lifestyle but e-dating changed that view quickly. Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you now, we are everywhere.

I did set up some ground rules for myself. People who are close to my own age and live nearby. The person had to have read my profile (I asked pointed questions just to be sure) and had to have pictures that gave a clear idea of what they looked like. I progressed to instant messaging quickly because it is easier to determine if a person is witty or entertaining via IM than email. So long as that went well, texting or even talking on the phone was okay. If after a month or so, the interest was still there, I would set up a date. Some of these were disasters, some were mediocre, and others were actually nice. Some developed into attachments and some didn’t. However, though I’ve had relationships, I stumbled across a complete surprise.

I’d get to know these men and women with the idea of creating a romantic attachment but more than anything, I created friendships. Solid, lasting, inspiring, challenging, supportive, and needed friendships.

So after years of perusing the internet, I actually have a social circle made entirely from dating websites. There is the…
-cute best friend/ boy scout who hates clothes,
-successful engineer covered in tattoos who dj’s for fun,
-gorgeous girl who is addicted to Maynard and fine chocolates,
-cop who closely resembles an NFL linebacker,
-guy in training for Nascar who introduced me to Red Vs Blue,
-weekend warrior who I met for the first time at a gay techno club (and  damn, did that straight boy get his groove on!),
-could-be-a-model-he’s-that-good-looking but needs a support group for his Battlestar Galactica addiction,
-goofball with 8 pack abs, covered in body ink, and degrees in both Classic Literature and Economics,
-mohawk chick who runs her family’s comic book business,
-single mom who makes me giggle involuntarily and often,
-philosophy major who looks hot in his guyliner,
-sexy, hot, kindergarten teacher lookalike who has a job most of us would kill for (cough, Gwen, cough),
-uber-conservative Christian that is pure goodness but with a wicked sense of humor,
and then me.

The bisexual, polyamorous gal with a plethora of tattoos, nerd chic glasses who can’t go to enough concerts or own enough graphic novels and who uses the internet to reveal just how much of nerd and perv, I truly am.

I know that at some point, I’ll find a person to date from one of my memberships on all these websites but in the mean time, the odd assortment of friends I keep collecting is more than enough for me.

I got all sorts of responses:

Why?

Does it make you happy?

Whatever floats your boat!

Good for you but no details please.

Wait, you get to keep your relationship and bang other people? F’n score!

You name it and I’ve probably heard it. The most repetitive questions seemed to be about how I meet people and what I say to make the big reveal.

To the first part, I meet people the same way most monogamous people do; through mutual interests, friends, work, school, or the internet. As for how I tell people, since I can’t hide my partner and I’m usually surrounded by my friends, it is usually brought up at the very beginning. All of my online profiles have my status listed as either “open relationship” or “it’s complicated”, depending upon the options I have to choose from. When someone I know is introducing me, it isn’t odd for them to say “and this is Christin, my poly friend.” I’m the new token friend: poly, lol.

Once a person that is interested in me (or vice versa) and I begin to talk, I usually explain my life. I’m open, honest, and keep a sense of humor about it. A lot of the time, it means that I make a new friend and not a romantic interest but that is ok with me. Women seem to suspect that I am an adulteress and not representing myself correctly. Men are much more open-minded about the idea. Since a poly relationship doesn’t take away the freedom that so many people cherish, it can be eye opening. There are those who are afraid of commitment and think that poly dating will be the answer to their prayers but it really isn’t.

In a polyamorous relationship, there is still room for commitment (yes, even marriage) and fidelity. Many poly couples set boundaries, guidelines, and rules for any new trysts. Some seem obvious because they are about safety, like always use a condom. Others are tailor made for the individual. There are those that don’t want to meet or know the person that their partner is interested in until it becomes serious or there are those that want to be fully involved in the process. I tend to be more of the “do what you want, just keep me in the loop” persuasion.

For those of you that wonder about jealousy, let me assure you, it does happen. It is a natural reaction and emotion when the person that you have feelings for becomes interested in another person. The key to jealousy is communication. When we feel secure in our relationship and can talk about what is bothering us, we are less apt to overreact.

If you are a monogamous person and interested in someone who is poly, there are going to be some rough roads ahead of you. You’ll need to understand that at some point, planned or not, they are going to look outside the confines of your relationship for additional companionship. It isn’t that you aren’t enough or that they aren’t attracted to you or that there is anything wrong with you at all; a person who is poly has the ability and desire to love more than one person at a time. Misunderstanding what has happened or not being totally honest with each other are the most common mistakes. Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be. A monogamous person can have a hard time dealing with the fact that their boy/girlfriend is spending time with others or maybe even crossing the boundaries into sex. The only way to walk through that minefield is by talking openly and honestly with each other.

Overall, I can’t say that I’ve been hugely successful in the dating department since announcing that I was poly but I’ve met some amazing people along the way. The relationships I’ve had, outside of my primary one, have taught me lessons about myself more than anything and to have faith in other people too.

So now I’m going to start adding some of my poly adventures here, for you to read and laugh at. I hope that they will provide you with some insight and laughs.