I gathered myself enough to step outside into the brisk, chilling 15 degree wind. Then I ran downstairs, put on my headphones (The Weepies album) and assembled some of my loose comics. The task at hand diverted my attention when working with heavy machinery such as our precise HUGE paper cutter. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings and instruments of certain, unfortunate casual sex for this lady. Let that be the lesson for you, dear reader, that constructive activities will distract you from the 3PM Needs that no doubt haunt you, whether you are drawing comics, editing books or assembling stock portfolios.

Sidenote: I made the mistake of telling my gal pals about the 3PM needs and now I get texts almost everyday at three wanting to know who is the line of fire. If only they knew.

“From the moment I saw you walk in with Jen, I wondered what it would be like to fuck you.”

What do you even say to that? I mean, yeah, I’m so jaded as to believe all men undress every woman they meet and imagine what it would be like to have their way with them. Hell, I know the first thing I do when I meet a guy is check out his junk. But when someone says that to you after he’s already been inside you, you start to fantasize that he really means it. Could it be true, could this person have truly set his sights on me and only me?

No… Well, maybe. I guess anything is possible.

It’s almost tragic, really. I met a very sweet, unGwen-like boy during a recent conference—someone who I would never have given a second look. And now all I can think about is attacking him.  Or worse, emailing him (because he’s not from ‘round here) to see if we both felt the same connection. A little fantasy is fine, but actually reaching out would seem almost desperate. And nobody wants to seem desperate.

But sitting here, trying to dissect my thoughts, my mind keeps creating scenarios where he walks up, pulls back my hair, and suggests dirty things that a girl in the Junior League should never do. All I could do the entire time I was with him was hope that he would never stop touching me. Which, thankfully, he never did—at least until the sun came up and my coach turned back into a pumpkin, otherwise known as racing the clock to return to my hotel before anyone noticed I had been missing for eight hours (two days in a row). But for those two consecutive sets of 8 hours I was in sexual bliss.

The hardest part now is just trying to balance the good memories of the whole affair with my desire to keep in touch with the guy. Honestly, there really isn’t a point to it, other than holding onto the faint hope that he would be open to exploring something more with me as well. But again I refer you to my early statement of believing men will just say what they can to encourage removal of clothing in record time. I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’m just as susceptible to a man’s motivations as the next woman (hell, I am the seducer just as much as I am the seduced); I’m more concerned that I can’t tell the difference between true feelings and penis-lust. But really, is there even a difference? At least, at the end of the day, we had a fun time and the sex was some of the best I’ve ever had. (Don’t worry, I’ll fill you in later…)

Humans have always tended to fit into one of two categories: hunter or gatherer. When you look at it from this perspective, I would say that nice guys are the gatherers. They take the scraps of what is left behind. They are going to take the girl that is damaged and try to fix her; instead of finding what it is they really want. The hunter doesn’t go after the lame one. He doesn’t go after the one that is on the outer edges. He wants the main attraction, in the middle–the ten pointer. He wants the one that he can show off and he can be proud of.

Bad boys are the hunters amongst us in society. When they get a girl in their sights, they pursue her ruthlessly and with determination. Whereas nice guys tend to want the girl but they never strive to get her. They lie in wait and try to gather her up. But it always work in their favor.

Here is my advice for all you nice guys out there. First of all, if you are going to go out, if you are going to try to pick up a girl, follow the three S’s. Shit, Shower, and Shave.

I know, you are probably thinking that is not the right thing to say or that is not necessarily what you would look at when preparing yourself, so let me be clear:

It is extremely weird to a girl when you have to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and it takes more than a few minutes, especially if you are at a club, bar or some social function because then she is thinking that you blew her off. So shit in advance.

Shower. We like you to smell good. We really, really, really appreciate a man who looks like he is CLEAN (hint, hint). If you show up and you’ve got dirty hair or your clothes are mucky, it just will not bode well for you.

Next, shave. Now included with shaving, I’m also going to say brush your teeth and this is just because they are both habits that you tend to do at your sink versus in your shower. Girls are keen on guys that look like they take their personal grooming seriously. If you have a beard, great! Gwen loves beards! But trim it, because it needs to look like you’ve actually given it some maintenance.

The reason beyond all reasons that you should look like you take care of your face by shaving or trimming is because it gives us an idea of what else you shave and trim.

Now that you’ve done that; all you nice guys listen up. You need to walk out the door with confidence. Stop worrying that girls aren’t going to like you. That they’re not going to think you’re hot or that they’re not going think you’re entertaining. Stop worrying that you can’t dance or you can’t do karaoke. Stop worrying, period.

Go out there, own who you are, and be it! Because that is what the bad boys do. And news flash, we like the nice guys! Chicks dig boys who are charming without being arrogant, who are genuinely sweet. Boys that pay attention to us and actually listen to what we are saying. We like that you are shy with a killer sense of humor. Ladies would rather have the cute nerdy nice guy who collects Transformers action figures any day over the gorgeous, successful, rich bad boy who prattles on endlessly about himself.

So, that’s it. From a girl, who would prefer to go out to a bar and meet some guy who isn’t necessarily the hottest or with the crowd of people around him. I want the guy who is smart. I want the guy who is funny in his own way. I want the guy who looks like he knows what he wants, who looks like he knows what he is after. I want the guy who when he looks at me, when he sees me; he hunts me down!

Unfortunately he blatantly chose to ignore my (and my fellow beardophiles’) decoration of love and shaved his beard for the last segment. I honestly think he is testing us.

Anyway, I posted some of the best sketches from last night…in case you haven’t already seen them!

His opening monologue was great, even if we’ve already heard some of the jokes on his DVD.

Digital Short: Zach Drops By The Set

My QOTD: “But is there a rollaway bidet?”

The Beard Destruction

More SNL videos

Or so I thought. Even while the whole “dating two guys” thing was going on I realized how delicate balancing two separate relationships, two separate sets of feelings, could be. I often had an ominous feeling about the whole thing—I was in-tune to the fact that this just wasn’t going to end well. I can cut to the chase and spoil the ending for you, but what fun would that be?

Both guys seemed like unrealistic partners. Guy A was too far away for me to even begin entertaining the notion of dating and Dude B was someone who dismissed me the first time we met.  As time went by, my conversations with Guy A went from innocent pop culture references in text messages to longer chats during work and teledates before bed. He was becoming a part of my life that I had missed after my summer break-up. I still had apprehensions about the distance issue, but my feelings were starting to shift in Guy A’s favor.

That was until the night I met—I should really say the night I was ignored by—Dude B. First off, any guys reading this: yes, ignoring a girl will sometimes work in your favor if you are trying to get her attention, but it’s not the best way to establish a good foundation for a new relationship. Of course this is something you should already know, but I just wanted to offer a reminder.

Back to what I was saying…Yes, Dude B. From the moment I shyly placed my hand in his for an introduction I was smitten. I didn’t know what it was about him, maybe the fact that he seemed to have a horribly sardonic sense of humor that fit well with my own perverse one, or that he was close friends with people I completely admire, I’m not really sure. That night we spoke casually, but at one point he stood up from our shared booth to move to another table. I didn’t think anything of it, I just assumed he had tired of our conversation and preferred to be with people he knew better, but every once in awhile I would look over and see him joking around with his friends. Those little moments intrigued me and pulled me more towards him. The next day I spent way too much time debating friending him on Facebook, which was futile since I did it even though I figured he wasn’t interested in me at all. But, by the end of that week, after a few cute email exchanges, he called to set up a date (quelle surprise!!) and we spent most of the weekend together.

Now I had an issue. I was still growing a long distance closeness with Guy A but my proximity and pure draw to Dude B was causing conflict in my brain. I would spend time out with Dude B then text Guy A or talk to him during work. I think I got from Guy A the emotional closeness I wanted and from Dude B a new partner in crime for evening adventures. My little balancing job started to become unstable when Guy A and I finally met after months of getting to know each other. I was nervous, both because this was a new direction for our tele-relationship and because I just knew in the pit of my stomach this meeting would change things. It did, and Guy A and I quickly halted our flirty conversations. Thankfully he’s a great guy and we’ve remained friendly.

After I got over the sting, I realized I was relieved to no longer date two guys. I decided to let my friendship with Guy A develop as it would. I put more focus into my relationship with Dude B and began thinking about our future. Nothing big, just giving thought to the possibility that I had met a good man after being so hurt earlier in the year. These thoughts were premature and ultimately unrealized. I enjoyed the time I spent with Dude B, but life happens and things fizzle.

I wouldn’t change the experience, because out of it I met two men who helped me through a rough patch in my life. I did, however, learn that the feeling associated with keeping people in the dark about aspects of my life is an uneasy one. It may have been fulfilling for a portion of the time, but ultimately I was left with more guilt than excitement, more hurt than happy, and more reminders that I still have so much to learn.

NERD

Ah, how times have changed. Getting good grades is not something to just please the parents anymore, it is a status symbol. And those chess club devotees grow up to rule the world.

I wasn’t the typical nerd growing up, if there really is such a thing. I’m the girl that played soccer, got good grades and was in tons of extracurricular activities. My geek status was gained through a belonging to the school’s JROTC program. I mean, it is hard to avoid ridicule in a quasi-military uniform.

Becoming an adult has truly solidified my dorkhood though. I developed a fascination with graphic novels and science fiction (think Transformers, not Star Trek). I carry a book or two in my purse wherever I go, and have made earning a higher education a permanent part of my life, instead of a passing one.

But the older I get, the more it seems like my dorky interests actually make me more interesting instead of less. When some guy finds out that I own most of the comic books that he’s read, he is impressed. When I tell people that I am going back to college for a math degree, I go up a notch in the esteem of my audience. When someone spots one of my many tattoos, I am considered unique.

The cheerleaders from my childhood peaked at sixteen and the football players are all past their glory days. It is a strange turn of events for me. I see the kids that tortured me through adolescence still living in the same town, working dead end jobs with no prospects for bigger and better things.

Popular culture now glorifies movies made from 80’s cartoons or about aliens. My thick plastic glasses are now called librarian chic by the boys in my life. I revel in my social upgrade because I’m no longer a reject. The way I was teased and treated by others has made me more careful in how I interact with those around me. I use tact and respect to make my friends feel valued. I accept our differences and laugh at them too. They enjoy my fascination with vampires and I acquiesce when they ask that I join them for an episode of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. We are all happily unhip now because we’ve learned that who we are is more important than fitting in. Though I must say, it is a pleasant surprise to learn that now my nerdy attributes make me cool.

It’s been over two months since my ex and I broke up.  Two months where I spent too much time reflecting on what happened and if it could have all ended different.  I’m going in the right direction, but I still struggle with the “letting go” part of the break-up (yes, that means online “research” whenever I get bored or a case of the sads).  Thankfully I’ve spent a majority of my post break-up time working on new projects and dipping my toe into the dating world.

Now that I’m single again, I’ve started to enjoy dating, even if I’m completely clueless as to what I’m doing.  I’ve met some really great people, and I know what I want (and NEED) in a partner.  I know I’m attracted to smart, witty, (hopefully bearded men), and the hilarious thing about all that is now I’m slowly learning how to approach these types of men.  I’ve started to go out more and put myself in situations where I’ll meet men that I’m attracted to, rather than just fantasize about meeting them.  It may sound like I’m the blind leading the blind or I’m saying the complete obvious, but it takes experiencing these things for them to click.  I could listen to someone say all this stuff to me until my ears bleed, but it’s a completely different feeling when you’re in it.

I may have “slutted” it up a bit post break-up, as I threw myself out there and wanted to learn what sexually drew me.  I struggled with not going too far in my sexual fascination—it’s really not a good idea for someone who is interested in rougher sex to jump right into that with someone she doesn’t know.  It’s possible to get yourself in over your head before you are able to deal with the ramifications.  You need to ease your new partner into these things, not jump in head first.  Even if that person seems responsive, the two of you could do more harm in the long-run to your relationship.  More times than I’d like to admit I’ve chosen to lose the mystery and use all my tricks on a guy because I was too afraid he would run at his first chance.

I’ve tried building a relationship from a one-night stand, and it is incredibly difficult.  My own sexual desires conflict with my desire to be in a stable relationship.  In the end, it’s all about recognizing what you want and finding someone who can give that to you, and who you equally want to give back to.

Gwen will post some of her more amusing dates in our NerdyPerv’s First Dates section.  So come back, and laugh with her!!

My beard fetish has gotten me in trouble a few times in my life.  Just the other day I met up with some friends for drinks.  I was sitting in a booth across from a beard enthusiast and all but demanded that he allow me to pet his face.  Thankfully he was a good sport and moved his face closer to my outstretched hand so I could give his a face a friendly rubbing.  I have tried this on occasion with guys, it’s usually my way of showing interest in them, just like they try to brush away hair from a girl’s face or place an apprehensive hand on a knee.  And sometimes it’s just because I want to imagine what that beard would feel like somewhere other than my hand…

The only downfall with loving beards is the inevitable “beard burn.”  I love feeling a beard everywhere on my body, but I hate when I stroll into work the morning after a particularly passionate sexcapade just to discover I can barely sit down because my pants are figuratively on fire.  And everyone knows when you wear a dress to work and squirm in your desk chair you had a pretty fun time the night before…or you have the Herp, but that’s for another story.  Sometimes it is Bad Decision City to fool around with a guy just because he has a beard and some deliciously long fingers. But even though I know I’ll have trouble sitting for a few days, I still loving feeling a beard on my thighs.

For more bearded goodness check out Beard Revue