Parting ways with people in your life can be catastrophic. Sometimes it is with a romantic partner, sometimes an employer, but most often it happens with friends. We’ve all gone through this and felt the pain of a deteriorating friendship, but what’s important is learning to pick ourselves up and continue on. Many times all you need for a mature break are a few Friendship Breakup ground rules.

No name calling!

I cannot stress this enough. Just because a person is no longer in your life it is not okay to insult him behind his back. The more negativity you spread, the worse it will be–for you. Calling someone a derogatory name brings you down. The people around you will see you as being petty and they will remember you sunk so low.

Keep the secrets

I know that this may seem like an odd thing to emphasize but it is vitally important. When you are in any relationship, sensitive information will be passed your way. Just because the intimacy between you has ended, the confidentiality has not. There may be instances where you were keeping a secret out of a sense of obligation, not because you thought it was the right thing to do. Please remember that this person once trusted you and your betrayal is unconscionable. It isn’t always possible to maintain the vault of secrecy but telling tales out of spite is just plain wrong.

Stick to the facts

The people around you are going to know that you have undergone a friendship termination. Most of the time, venting happens. It is natural and it is understandable. However, elaborating or just plain exaggerating is big fat no-no. Getting into a game of he said, she said produces no winners. What if’s do not change the facts. So coulda, woulda, shoulda all you want but stick to the truth.

Be respectful

It is hard enough to lose a friend but don’t make things worse. Be nice. I’ve found that many people lose their ability to act with grace when they go through The Friendship Breakup. Take the high road on this one. Don’t try to cut them down; don’t try to make them feel small. Arguing will get you nowhere and accusations to cause guilt don’t work. Acting with tact will allow you to walk away with your head held high.

Stand your ground

In the midst of a disagreement, we all become tempted to make concessions. Compromise or admissions seem inevitable but I discourage you from doing either. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated well. If something bothers you, say so. Don’t allow another person to violate your self-respect. We all know what we want and what we need to get back from the people in our lives, if you aren’t getting that then speak up. Be firm but be polite.

I do not believe in burning bridges we may need or want to cross again later. Just because a person is leaving your life now, does not mean that they won’t enter it again and under better circumstances. Wish them luck and spread some good karma around. You were friends for a reason! You loved them and, whether you admit it or not, you are going to miss that person. Letting go can be hard but take a deep breath, you’ll get through the pain. Your former friend is hurting too and there is no sense in trying to purposefully inflict more on either of you. Taking that step back and viewing the situation logically will be difficult. Being reasonable when you want to be irrational is going to be challenging but recognizing your own culpability in whatever issues or problems occurred will help you heal. It will also help prevent you from making those same mistakes again.

Picture source: His Sweet Heart

Our newest writer Brooke sent me to lady mag site The Frisky the other day. Ever since then, I’ve been wasting too much time with their site, getting a feel for their writers and stories. I’ve been loving what I’ve read so far, and I especially enjoy their relationship/sex/guy section (shocking, I know).

Today they posted a funny article on types of guys to avoid. I found it amusing that in my time of inexperienced dating, I have in fact dated 4 our of 5 of these types of men.

My personal vices:

Revenge Of The Nerds

Ever since geek chic happened and even cuties like Johnny Depp began donning glasses in an attempt to appear smarter, the dorky dating pool has been seriously diluted (and deluded). Gone are the days when the pocket-protected computer whiz was grateful to date a nice normal girl such as yourself. Now he has porn stars pawing at him and Mark Ronson DJing his birthday bash. Delete!

(On) Top Chef

Thanks to the Food Network and guys like Anthony Bourdain and Todd English, chefs have displaced bartenders as the rock stars of the service industry. What lady hasn’t fantasized about coming home to a scruffy, macho hottie, whipping up a piping boeuf bourguignon for the two of you to share over a rustic French red? Unfortunately, the reality is very different. For one thing, do you really think he’s going to want to cook on his night off? And unless you’re also in the industry, chefs are problematic partners. Their hours are atrocious; the drugs and booze, copious; and the coworkers, adorable. And when there are late nights, hot colleagues and various intoxicants, there’s trouble.

Writer/Blogger

Full disclosure: I’ve been publishing first-person stories about my love life for the past decade and while I never name names, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to date me. Writers are ruthless. We’ll pick your brain, “borrow” your stories, and God forbid you ever cross us; we’ll change your name to Wilbur and tell the world about that time you wept like a girl after sex. Because I’m nothing if not a willfully blind hypocrite, the reality of how obnoxious I was didn’t hit home until an ex started blogging about me on an extremely popular website. Gulp.

I’ve made some of these mistakes, and yet I still didn’t learn. Well, admitting the problem is the first step right? RIGHT?

It also made me think that we need to write a non-bias list of women to avoid as well, just to counter. I’ll put some focus into that.

SOURCE: Types of People You Shouldn’t Date (The Frisky)

NerdyPerv is used to people picking our brains when it comes to matters of the libido. Sometimes our resident sexpert can answer questions that leave Chris and Gwen scratching their heads or holding back giggles. She’s the mature, respectable, and truly knowledgeable one amongst us. She keeps us in line and always brings the goods.

The following question popped in our mailbox over the weekend. Take it away, lady!!

NerdyPerv,

I’ve just started dating a girl and she admitted to me recently that she doesn’t masturbate…ever.  She says she likes sex and gets off just fine to it, but should I be concerned that she’s not as “in-touch” with herself as she could be?  Could this mean that she has low self-esteem, or maybe that she’s not confident with her sexuality?

Thanks, really appreciate any advice you can give!

Thanks!

If you have questions for any of us, please submit to the Brain Trust.

Q. I have a date with a guy that I met at a bar. I usually don’t date people that I meet when drinking, but we just seemed to hit it off. I’m worried that we aren’t going to get along outside of our mutual interest in nightlife. What should I do to avoid this?

ANIKA: If you think you hit it off with this guy, there really is only one way to find out if you are compatible outside the nightlife scene: see him outside the nightlife scene! There really is no getting around it. Once you have a dinner or coffee date you can decide if there is more to it than that first connection. If there’s not then there really is nothing you can do; you accept the loss and move on to the next one. But you really won’t know until you give it a try.

CHRIS: Ah, liquid courage: if they could package it in a cologne, it would smell of lime, tequila, and shame. Or, maybe Axe. Meeting people under the cover of alcohol is fun; seeing them when the “ugly lights” are on is a totally different story. And while I’m not going to come out and say he might be playing the Booty Card, it’s within the realm of possibility. It’s because of all these things that I suggest a daylight, casual meet-up: coffee, tapas, mini-golf, something that requires just enough distraction to avoid the butterflies. Pro Tip: if you can skew the end of your date to the early dusk hours, and if both of you are having a good time, a drink afterward would not only be appropriate, but you can get right back to drunkenly telling each other how cute you are.

GWEN: Like every 20-something, I have faced this issue more times than I’d like to admit. Normally my rule is to not see the person after our initial meeting, but considering I met my current boyfriend at a bar, I’m not one to point you in that direction. If you are interested enough in this guy to warrant seeing him in “the light,” then I think you should do it! Now, let’s get to your worry over not getting along outside of a bar. What do you have to lose by going out with him? Obviously you both felt a connection and it does say something that he wanted to see you again. If you spend too much time worrying about what could go wrong, then all of your worst fears will happen. Give him the benefit of the doubt, he may actually be a good guy! As Yo Gabba Gabba says: “Try it! You might like it!”

Q. My best friend is always concerned with “finding a new guy.” So much so that our conversations often only revolve around why she can’t find love. What is some advice that I can give her while she looks, but still keeps me from having to talk about it all the time?

ANIKA: In this situation I would probably just go with honesty. Tell your friend that it bothers you that she can’t seem to find another topic of interest. She might not have any idea that this is a concern of yours. You could mention that you do not mind indulging her once in a while, but you need more to sustain a friendship than talk about men she hasn’t yet met. You can tell her that those who look generally don’t find. Maybe relaxing a bit would help, focus her energy on new things. Maybe she can’t find love because she needs to spend more time finding herself.

CHRIS: You have what I like to call the “conversation vampire” of a friend, where all your time and energy you’re investing into your friendship is going to the primary vortex of feeding her self-esteem/pity party. Traditional methods can’t combat the conversation vampire, though a stake to the heart, while illegal, should stop down any conversation. Much like besting movie monsters, however, I like fighting fire with fire: “Maybe you should just go lez.” “Have you considered the church?” “At least your jaded dating outlook will fuel your LiveJournal.” It’s the “mutually assured destruction” approach to conversation. Either she’ll get the hint and start talking about her other interests, or she’ll realize she has none, and thus, we’ve solved the case of “why can’t I get a date?” Back to the Mystery Machine, gang!

GWEN: There are really two ways to go about fixing this problem, if that’s what you are hoping for. You can either chose to ignore the behavior (which you obviously have been doing, but it’s finally starting to eat away at you) and decide to hang out with new people who are less monopolizing with their time, OR you can confront her and try to express your feelings and all that stuff. It’s a difficult choice, because you probably have some deep connection with her–because otherwise it wouldn’t bother you as much–and you want to remain friends. It’s vital that if you point out to your friend the behaviors you don’t like about her, that you be ready to not hear from her for awhile afterwards. She may take what you have to say personally and get offended by your words. I suggest not doing it in front of other people, but also refrain from pointing out her insecurities point blank, i.e, don’t just set up a lunch with her and start telling her how you feel. Just like drinking, you need to ease into it. If you jump right into doing 4 shots at 8 PM, you’re going to be a pain in the ass to deal with for the rest of the night. If you value your friendship, and honestly want to move past this problem, be respectful and speak to her the way you would want to be spoken to. It’s not the Golden Rule for nothing!

Q. I’m going to be away from my girlfriend for a few months on business, and we both agreed to do the long-distance thing and not see other people during that time. What’s your best advice on maintaining a sexual relationship with while I’m away? How do we set the mood? What programs do you recommend to use?

ANIKA: Not being able to see each other and be physical can be a challenge. If you want to keep the sexual relationship going you need to get creative, get out of you comfort zones once in a while and just try out different things. One of the first things is phone sex! This is a great way to open up communication, really get to know what kind of sexy talk your partner likes. You can start by saying, or even texting, similar things you say in bed that gets them going, or (dare I say it) ask them what they want to hear. Describe things you know they enjoy. You can always add the webcam to make it more visual. Watch each other masturbate, talk your partner through it, have them do what you ask of them and do the same for them. As far as setting the mood goes, I would set it up as if your partner was in the room with you. If romance floats your boat turn off the light, maybe set up some nice candles. Before you can get your partner in the mood you have to get yourself there. Take a bath before your call or webcam session (or during), watch a porn, read some erotica to yourself or to your partner. In the end it really just comes down to making the time, putting in the extra effort and making it fun.

CHRIS: I’m lo-tech when it comes to digital booty: phone sex is a win for me. Mood, however, is very important. It’s difficult to insinuate with your words what you want to do, when, in person, all it might take is a look, a wink, and a squeeze. I propose Tele-Date Nights: all the planning involved in a regular date, but with more emphasis on creativity. Set a time to both be home or in the hotel, alone. Pick out a movie, pop some popcorn, grab some drinks, anything you would normally do together. You can use webcam or speakerphone to slip your snarky movie zingers back and forth while you watch. (Though you’ll need to get the hang of syncing the movie together.) Afterward, just let the night play out like it normally would. Setting the time together is the key: that emotional connectedness will play right into the physical.

GWEN: We live in such a connected world, technology is really in your favor here. Figure out the best form of communication for the two of you. If texting throughout the day works, do that. Or maybe you two prefer to hear each other’s voices, set up times where both of you can talk without distractions. However, setting the mood to get virtually handsy is truly difficult. You may be in the mood but your girlfriend isn’t, or vice versa. I recommend sending sexy text messages throughout the day to each other. Sometimes there is nothing that turns me on more than a text from my boyfriend while I’m stuck in a meeting or having lunch with my friends. It’s a little secret between him and me, and later that night we have something to help us slip right into naked time. Also, if you feel adventurous, suggest sending each other pictures(suggestive or otherwise). This requires a lot of trust with your partner, but there is no better feeling than opening up you email and finding a little prezzie! Remember, when you can’t see your girlfriend everyday, it’s vital that you feel apart of each other’s lives. Little things go a long way into making this long-distance relationship work!

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