Parting ways with people in your life can be catastrophic. Sometimes it is with a romantic partner, sometimes an employer, but most often it happens with friends. We’ve all gone through this and felt the pain of a deteriorating friendship, but what’s important is learning to pick ourselves up and continue on. Many times all you need for a mature break are a few Friendship Breakup ground rules.

No name calling!

I cannot stress this enough. Just because a person is no longer in your life it is not okay to insult him behind his back. The more negativity you spread, the worse it will be–for you. Calling someone a derogatory name brings you down. The people around you will see you as being petty and they will remember you sunk so low.

Keep the secrets

I know that this may seem like an odd thing to emphasize but it is vitally important. When you are in any relationship, sensitive information will be passed your way. Just because the intimacy between you has ended, the confidentiality has not. There may be instances where you were keeping a secret out of a sense of obligation, not because you thought it was the right thing to do. Please remember that this person once trusted you and your betrayal is unconscionable. It isn’t always possible to maintain the vault of secrecy but telling tales out of spite is just plain wrong.

Stick to the facts

The people around you are going to know that you have undergone a friendship termination. Most of the time, venting happens. It is natural and it is understandable. However, elaborating or just plain exaggerating is big fat no-no. Getting into a game of he said, she said produces no winners. What if’s do not change the facts. So coulda, woulda, shoulda all you want but stick to the truth.

Be respectful

It is hard enough to lose a friend but don’t make things worse. Be nice. I’ve found that many people lose their ability to act with grace when they go through The Friendship Breakup. Take the high road on this one. Don’t try to cut them down; don’t try to make them feel small. Arguing will get you nowhere and accusations to cause guilt don’t work. Acting with tact will allow you to walk away with your head held high.

Stand your ground

In the midst of a disagreement, we all become tempted to make concessions. Compromise or admissions seem inevitable but I discourage you from doing either. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated well. If something bothers you, say so. Don’t allow another person to violate your self-respect. We all know what we want and what we need to get back from the people in our lives, if you aren’t getting that then speak up. Be firm but be polite.

I do not believe in burning bridges we may need or want to cross again later. Just because a person is leaving your life now, does not mean that they won’t enter it again and under better circumstances. Wish them luck and spread some good karma around. You were friends for a reason! You loved them and, whether you admit it or not, you are going to miss that person. Letting go can be hard but take a deep breath, you’ll get through the pain. Your former friend is hurting too and there is no sense in trying to purposefully inflict more on either of you. Taking that step back and viewing the situation logically will be difficult. Being reasonable when you want to be irrational is going to be challenging but recognizing your own culpability in whatever issues or problems occurred will help you heal. It will also help prevent you from making those same mistakes again.

Picture source: His Sweet Heart

The other downfall of going to a single-sex college in the middle of nowhere is the inevitability that if you do find a guy you’re interested in enough to date, you will not see each other every day.  And thus begins the dreaded long-distance relationship.  Personally, I never had a problem with dating long distance because I loved the idea that I would have someone who cared about me and wanted to know how my day was, but I also had the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  Ultimately, I could do my thing and he could do his.  I guess this openness to long-distance dating stems from me being the baby of the family and having problems sharing. It’s just a theory.

It was only fitting that the first man I ever fell in love with lived three hours away from me and then moved three states away.  Now, I know you’re probably saying: “Gwen, GIRL! Why are you chasing men out of the state?” It wasn’t intentional.  I actually intended to move to the same city as him before we even met, but after I met him I was even more inspired to do so.  Unfortunately the move was just not meant to be and eventually, after months of chatting and occasional weekend visits, he broke it to me that he was moving to another state.  To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement, but with our rose-colored glasses on, we decided to try a long distance relationship.  With technology on our side, we set forth with this grand delusion that “maybe, this time” a long distance relationship could work.  Long story short, although it did work for us for awhile, our relationship eventually lost steam and we lost our connection to each other.

I still believe that long distance can work, but I learned from my experience that there are a few important things that couples need to keep in mind and discuss before tackling this type of relationship.

LONG DISTANCE? REALLY??

Obviously the two of you would discuss this first.  Is this something both of you want?  Are you going this route because you really want to be together or because you don’t want to let go? If it’s the former, you’re on the right track.  If it’s the latter, maybe you guys should try a break and if you come back to each other then it’s meant to be.  Yeah, I know that sounds like something a Magic Eight Ball would tell you, but it’s just the plain truth.  You must also remember that you trust this person, trust is like oxygen to this relationship and what are you doing if you can’t trust this person anyway?  Long distance is hard and if there is any reason why you would not want to be with your significant other, besides the distance thing, then you need to be responsible and talk about it—because honestly the only thing you two have going for you right now are your words.

DON’T GET A CASE OF SHUT-UP MOUTH

The balance between communicating too much and not enough is very fine.  When you have the luxury to be in the same city as your guy, you can get away with just sitting in a room with him and not talking.  This does not work on the phone.  Instead of conveying your level of comfort with him, staying mum on the phone or webcam can actually cause him to think you’re unhappy, keeping things from him, or completely disinterested.  At the same time, if you text him every hour on the hour you can overwhelm him; remember he’s just as busy as you are, and boys are shit multitaskers anyway.  Remind him you love him and that you miss him, I know he feels the same way and enjoys getting a message from you saying so!  Don’t get too upset if he or she can’t get back to you right away, it’s all about learning and being patient.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU’D CALL!!

Now that you’ve decided to go through with this ridiculous plan, you’ll need to work on a mutually agreeable schedule.  My guy and I worked during the day, and at first we talked throughout the day on instant messenger.  Eventually our work schedules got so busy that neither of us could stay long enough at our desks to shoot off an I love you before getting pulled away.  We switched to talking at night on our drives home; it was great knowing we had someone to keep us awake on that 2AM drive back to the Bat Cave.  But even that became difficult when either of us went out with friends, went on business trips, or just wanted some time to ourselves.  This is when a schedule came in handy.  I knew that no matter what, I had to call at 11PM, even if it was just to say goodnight.  And he always sent me a good morning text, which frequently put a bounce in my step.

Remember, if you make a promise to call at a certain time, make sure you do.  There is no worst feeling than waiting for your loved one to call and then he doesn’t.  Now, sometimes things just happen and you don’t have cell reception/internet access/you’re too drunk to string together a sentence, but an apology first thing in the morning goes a lot farther than ignoring it or even turning defensive when he finally confronts you.  Admit you’ve done a wrong and all will be forgotten, but ignore it or refuse to take responsibility and your SO will lose patience and trust in you very quickly.

TO TOUCH ANOTHER, OR, YOU KNOW, MAYBE NOT…

Every now and then we get tempted by someone new, or we just miss feeling someone touch us, and it’s up to you to recognize when you should fess up to your far-away lover.  Talk with your guy and decide what you both agree is cheating.  Maybe both of you agree that kissing is okay, but absolutely no sex and you have to tell each other.  Or perhaps neither of you wants the other to fool around with someone else.  If you feel tempted, you need to leave the situation and call your lady or man—no Ifs, Ands, or Buts.  My feeling towards this could be completely different than yours, it’s all about what the two of you are comfortable with.  Honestly is the most important thing, and if you feel like you’ve pushed the boundaries of your agreement too far, you need to confess and handle to consequences like a big girl.

CONJUGAL VISITS AREN’T JUST FOR PRISONERS!

Finally, don’t forget to plan trips!  You cannot sustain a relationship forever on teledates and late-night phone sex—although they are fun and satisfying when needs be.  The two of you should have a goal in mind and work towards it.  Even if you can’t afford to go somewhere fancy, just putting in the effort to plan the trip builds morale.  Also, don’t underestimate the power of the stay-cation.  When you are together, don’t forget to get out of the house at some point, even if it’s just to get fresh air and a snack.  Focus on each other, turn off the TV, computer, and even your phones during the day.  Most importantly, use your visits to move your relationship forward.  Find time to detach yourselves from each other’s lady and man bits, and talk about a dating time frame.  It will not only give you a much needed sex break, it will also reaffirm that both of you want to be together.

Nerds and Pervs alike know that breaking up is not fun, but it is part of the dating equation.  We can all hope that our relationships won’t end this way, but sometimes it just cannot be avoided.  This man was my first real boyfriend, and I learned a lot from dating him.  My experience with this fresh break-up has inspired me to write a guide to respectful break-ups.

THINK ABOUT IT:

If you have decided it’s time to end your relationship, think it through.  I’m sure you have already, and if you still remotely care for this person, consider his feelings.  It’s important to remember two people are in this relationship, and you’d want them to think about your feelings too. If you recognize there are certain traits about your partner that you just can’t get past or this person has done something egregious to you, it’s time to move on.  But if you find yourself still attached and willing to work it out, by all means try.  Communication is key—be it with yourself or with your partner.  The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you will be with your partner.  And if the two of you are living together, you’ll need to find a new place to crash for awhile if you do not think your partner will be amiable to leaving (or you aren’t on the lease).   Relationships should be fun and make you happy, not stressful and full of disappointment.

BE RESPECTFUL:

Okay, so you thought it through, presented your partner with some of your complaints, and you still think it’s time to end things. Here is the part that is obvious in theory and rarer in practice.  Of course you think you or your partner will respect each other and end things neatly, and if you can do that then five points to Gryffindor for you!  However, I have seen one too many couples declare their undying love for each other one minute and then all but put out a hit for each other the next.  What I’m trying to get at is nothing ends easily or neatly; you may walk away from the relationship friends, but that can take time.  The hurt is still there, and it is vital to respect his needs just as much as yours.  Remember, this is a person you have done dirty, naughty things with; at least be respectful enough to tell him you’re done, in person.  Now, if he does not get the message and freaks out by slashing your tires, hold your head up high knowing that you were the bigger person—and then ask for a certified money order for the damages.

JUST DO IT, ALREADY!:

We’ve thought it out, written down what we want to say, practiced in the shower as if taking on a bully in elementary school (or even high school if you were me), and the moment has finally come to lay it all out there.  You cannot go back once you’ve started.  Doing so just sends mixed messages and will make you no happier the next day.  By all means, fuck him before you say your peace—it may even relax the two of you—but don’t forget your objective.  It’s not fun and it’s not going to be easy, but the quicker you pull off the Band-Aid, the quicker you can start playing around with other hot, able bodies!

DIVIDE AND CONQUER:

When it’s all said and done, there are still little things that need to be worked out—like dividing assets.  He may have some of your clothes at his house and you may have some of his at yours.  If the two of you agree to return items, follow through.  And if you were engaged and break up, you should return the ring.  I know I know, it’s yours and you deserve it, blah blah blah.  But come on, would you really want to be reminded of him every time you opened your jewelry box?  I didn’t think so.  And Judge Judy would tell you to return it too, and no one should argue with the Judge.  Ed’s note: I do not recommend burning, peeing on, or destroying any of his stuff.  Unless he had it coming, in that case I’ll look the other way.

DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PSYCHO-OUT:

Finally, do not freak out when your ex starts moving on before you, do not start drinking heavily everyday following the breakup or if you learn news about him (a few times is okay, but you’ll eventually learn that working with a killer hangover is worse than heartache) because livers are important for other functions besides filtering out alcohol.  It is also vital, and this is something I have been guilty of, that you refrain from excessive contact.  Do not call him to ask how he is handling the break up, do not “check-in” with the friends you know he has been spending time with, and most importantly do not start stalking his new girlfriend.  It may sound like a good idea when you’re drunk or high at 1 AM to call him and tell him he’s an Asshat, but psychoing out will only guarantee that you will not move on and your ex will look like a saint with a stalker.

Image from Nerd Approved

1) She is interested in you! It could be that simple and straight forward.  Maybe she wants a one-night-stand, a lifetime partner or just a date.  Whatever she may be looking for, she likes what you’re offering and wants you to take notice!

2) To make you feel better about yourself! Women are (sometimes) generous, empathetic creatures.  Maybe she saw you standing alone at a party.  Maybe she knows you just broke up with your last girlfriend and you need some confidence stroking.  Or maybe she just feels for you because your dating pool has dried up a bit.  Feeling sorry for a man definitely brings out the caretaker in women – so just soak it up and enjoy the pity flirt!

3) To get a free drink (or free anything) from you! I know, I know it sounds shallow! But women aren’t stupid.  They know that all they have to do is give you a smile, pretend to listen to what you have to say about your start-up internet company, and they will get a drink that doesn’t cost a penny – only a few laughs, some light touches on your arm and a wink or two.  If you are lucky the flirting will continue for a second round – and maybe, just maybe you’ll charm her and #1 will take hold.

4) To make another man jealous! Women know men are competitive, want what they can’t have and more importantly, want what someone else has!  Flirting with you could be a ploy to get that guy across the room to notice her.  It’s mean, it’s selfish – but it works.  Just make sure you’re in on the game, or your face could end up with some egg on it.

5) Ego boost! Women are unfortunately known for low self-esteem.  Nobody wants to admit it, denial is always present – but once in a while women just have to get validation that they “still got it.”  What better way than to have a man flirt back!  It does not matter if the man is her type as long as he gives her the attention she craves for the moment.  If this seems to be the flirting you are encountering don’t walk away, just indulge her for a bit and go for it – if anything it will make both of your ego’s flutter!

5. Loyalty

A good majority of the people I confide in day-in and day-out are nerds.  Actually, they are some of the more loyal people I know. I never worry that my nerdy friends will turn my relationship woes into headlining news for all of our mutual friends to enjoy. I also know that a nerd will always drop everything he is doing to go to a concert or movie screening that he may have absolutely no interest in, just because it’s a chance to spend time with friends. Nerds always put themselves and their feelings second, and that is why I like to make sure they know just how much I appreciate it.

4. Conversation

This is a no-brainer. OF COURSE the conversation with a nerd is better than with a hipster! Hipsters are limited to two-word answers no matter the questions, whereas I can just ask what you thought of the newest Star Trek movie and you will all but give me a doctoral thesis. I love being able to pose a question and just see how passionate you are for a topic that other people just don’t get. Now, this isn’t to say that you should insult me or degrade me because my opinion is different. But, if you win the argument or at least make me think differently, then I’ll walk away feeling stimulated and excited for our next round of cerebral jousting.

3. Gadgets

Hipsters may have the shiniest phones, but nerds always know how to use them. I’m never concerned about not knowing how the recent iPhone update works because you always make sure to explain it in layman’s terms. It just makes me love you more when you tell me all about the newest operating system or gaming platform introduced at this month’s tech convention. You are currently researching your allegiance in the Project Natal vs. Sony’s Eye battle months before either hit the stores. You’ll wait in line the day the new iPhone 3GS arrives, just to break your contract and sell the pricey baby three months later for the next hottest phone. And when it comes to house parties, yours is the one I want to attend because it’s a guarantee that I can choose between Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour.

2. Tech support

This point may be a little self-serving for all those computer illiterates out there, however it’s true—tech support and nerds go together like PB and strawberry jam. I don’t consider myself tech savvy, but I do know basic troubleshooting methods. As soon as I’ve tapped out my personal computer resources, you are always there to pick up the pieces. My world almost came to an end a few months ago when my iPhone and work Exchange Server stopped talking to each other. I just knew I was going to lose all my contacts, and of course I didn’t get Mobile Me as a safeguard.  It took over a week to realize I couldn’t fix the problem on my own. It took my friend an hour and a power-burger to retrieve my lost information AND sync it back to my phone! Self-serving yes, but I’m eternally grateful that I will never have to wait in line at Geek Squad for any of my tech needs.

1. Body art

Nerd body art, be it tattoos or piercing, far exceeds hipster body art. Hipsters tend to get tattoos of stars, anchors, or anything else that was featured in the Hipster Handbook. There is really no original thought when it comes to hipsters and their pension for tattoos and piercings. Whatever gives them street cred NOW is what will be inked and pressed into their skin. Nerds on the other hand may choose questionable images to have permanently placed on their bodies, but I promise you in five years seeing a Firefox neck tattoo staring back at you in line at Starbucks will be one of the greatest moments of your life. That takes commitment and a certain amount of je ne sais quoi that hipsters definitely lack. Ear gages and lip rings are removable, but an old-school “Sad Mac” tattoo will always be a show stopper, not to mention incredibly sexy.