Unfortunately he blatantly chose to ignore my (and my fellow beardophiles’) decoration of love and shaved his beard for the last segment. I honestly think he is testing us.

Anyway, I posted some of the best sketches from last night…in case you haven’t already seen them!

His opening monologue was great, even if we’ve already heard some of the jokes on his DVD.

Digital Short: Zach Drops By The Set

My QOTD: “But is there a rollaway bidet?”

The Beard Destruction

More SNL videos

1. Let’s start this off right with a Love Beard (by Laura George). Who doesn’t love a beard full of love? If you don’t then we are no longer friends!

2. The most adorable animation involving tiny sock-puppets you will ever see…until the next one.

3. Why don’t you have some delicious Hamm and wash it down with some fancy schmancy Buble…mmm, hot boy yums

4. AD: A great zombie animated movie…or the GREATEST zombie animated movie? The teaser gives you a vague taste.

The discussions always lead down the same road….. That things have gotten boring.

So in an effort to spice things up for all of you, my friends and readers; it is time to learn a lesson. A lesson in foreplay!

For the ladies:

My fellow chicks, I am aware that the male genitalia can be intimidating. It isn’t exactly pretty, there are a couple of accessories that can be distracting, and grooming standards have yet to be standardized. This has led many ladies to ignore or rush through the pre-penetration activities. First, it is just a penis. There is no need to panic! Touching it in any way is going to help it rise to the occasion and will always be appreciated. Try stroking, caressing, or (hell) even exploring his more delicate regions to find out where his particular sensitive areas are. This intimate knowledge gives you an edge; you know how he likes it.

If you are unsure of the basics of there are some tips.

-Not every guy can get or keep an erection. On the underside of his shaft, there is a vein that runs the length. By massaging it gently, you are increasing the blood flow and things will pop up in no time.

-Just under the head, along the ridge, on the underside there is a nerve grouping. Be gentle but give this area some much needed attention, your man will appreciate it.

-Lube is your friend. If you are going to be giving your man a hand job, dry skin on dry skin isn’t always pleasant. So either lotion up your hand ahead of time or be willing to use some lubricants to make the sliding a little easier.

-His balls really are the family jewels. I know, they look weird and just kind of hang there, but trust me on this one. Hold the sack in your hand and (gently) massage. Think of how you would juggle a pair of meditation balls in your fingers, rotating them in your hand…. Your man’s junk likes how that feels too. A few squeezes here and there can be good but keep it soft.

-Men like their nipples played with. Kiss ‘em, suck ‘em, nibble on ‘em, just don’t forget about ‘em.

-Oral. Do it! A lot of women are unsure of their oral skills. I have a very simple suggestion; let your man guide the way. Have him teach you what he likes or what feels good! Keep the suction going; don’t forget to use your tongue, and coordinating hand movements can help too. If all else fails, think of his dick as a lollipop (yes, I mean literally), he’ll love you for twirling the tip around your tongue!

For you men:

In your rush to bang, guys tend to forget that a lady’s engine must be warmed up, cold starts don’t usually work. We need coaxing into sexual activities. Everyone knows that the end goal is penetration but you can’t run a marathon without doing a few warm up exercises. Be aware that some girls are uncomfortable being naked in front of you, so the brighter the lights, the shorter the show. On the other hand, we don’t want you fumbling around in the dark, trying to guess what goes where; so a happy medium will work nicely.

-Our bodies are a scavenger hunt. You know there is going to be buried treasure when you get to the end but reading the map along the way helps you on the journey.

-Kissing is a must. It helps us gauge whether or not there is chemistry with you. And! How good you are with your tongue. Yep, if you can’t kiss then chances are you will be failing the oral exam too.

-Ears, neck, and shoulders. I’m not sure why these are erogenous zones but they are. Trail your fingers along them, kiss softly, bite gently and we’ll start to melt.

-Hair really is like handlebars. I’m going to guide you into this one. Spread your fingers, put them into the hairline at the base of the neck, and get a good grip. It isn’t really about hair “pulling”, it is about getting a good hold. You can use this to guide us. And newsflash, having a man control the tempo during a make-out session is fucking hot!

-Boobs are just boobs. Yes, we like them played with and yes, you should show attention but while they are a playground to you, they are just boobs to us. We aren’t quite as fascinated with our tits as you gentlemen are. So after the initial fascination of seeing our chest, get the show on the road!

-Inner thighs, hips, and butt will unlock better things to come. The saying “close but no cigar” comes to mind with these regions. You are right there and boy, do our bodies know it. Tease away, gentlemen!

-Fingers: appetizers before the main course. We may not be ready to have ALL of you inside us but a preview would be nice. If you do external rubbing, great! Rolling the nub between your thumb and forefinger is fabulous. But if you do internal rubbing, even better! In the words of the legend, Mr. Trent Reznor, feel us from the inside. While poking and jabbing can be pleasant, let me teach you the best method: palm up, insert first finger, curl it slightly (that ridge/bulge is known as the g spot), then thrust in and out. Ta-da!

-Your tongue + our clit = fireworks. On to the best part! Women love oral. If a woman says different, then she hasn’t had it done right. So part the seas, set sail, and bon voyage! While kissing downstairs is nice, we really want your tongue. You can lick the inner lips (up one side/ down the other), insert the tongue, whatever but you need to find the clitoris. Once there, kiss it, lick it, suck it, bite it until she goes wild. If you need a new trick…. Turn your head slightly, take the clit and hood into your mouth, bite gently, apply suction, and then drag your teeth as you pull your head back.

I know that sex is great and it is always going to be the main event. But don’t just go to the theater for the main show; enjoy the previews along the way. Sometimes, you discover something new and you’ll want to remember it for future reference…. I promise!

Since it’s the holidays and I’m fairly lazy, I thought I’d re-post a fall of 2008 interview I did with FoodNetwork’s and Hunt’s spokesman celebrity chef George Duran. I have a soft spot in my heart for chefs and often times I find myself swooning at the mere mention of cooking implements or dishes. Now, if he has a beard and glasses, you might as well just ignore the gushing sound you hear…Okay, I’ll admit that was kind of gross. Anyway, moving on…

Gwen: After college, you worked in radio and television before you decided to explore cooking professionally. What made you decide to pick up your life and move to France for culinary school?

George Duran: I was a bit confused as to where I wanted to learn French cuisine. I could have easily attended a great culinary school on the East Coast…but I wanted to learn more than the cuisine. I wanted to immerse myself in the language, culture, and customs that are a part of French Cuisine.

Gwen: Many Food Network fans know you from the fantastic show Ham on the Street.  How did you come up with the idea to do the show?

George Duran: Fantastic? Did my mom tell you to say that? I had originally come up with the idea for the show in France while playing around with the Parisians by feeding them chocolate truffles on the streets. I was getting great feedback until I let them know that they were made with goat cheese! Their reaction was priceless and I knew I was on to something special.

Gwen: Tell us a little about your new cook book Take this Dish and Twist It.

George Duran: I am so excited about this book! Essentially it’s my humor and creative mind put into pictures and words! It’s comfort food with a gourmet twist.

Cont: I’ve always wanted to serve peanut butter and jelly for dessert, but it just wasn’t gourmet enough. So I went ahead and perfected a PB&J Bread Pudding that will rock the dinner table! The pictures are vibrant, the recipes are curiously exciting, and the entire book is under $20! You can’t even order decent takeout for under $20 in NYC!

Gwen: What/who are some of your influences (cooking, entertaining, etc.)?

George Duran: I’ve always been moved by the greatest talk show hosts of my time, Letterman and O’Brien (yes, I’m young). But Alton Brown is a secret culinary hero of mine.

Gwen: What are some of your favorite recipes in the book?

George Duran: Tough question. I always get great reviews for my “Forgotten Chocolate Souffle”. Essentially it’s a Souffle’ recipe that I was making and had forgotten how long to cook it for. I ended up under cooking it resulting in brownie style edges, but the center was gooey and raw! Serve with strawberries and you’ve got yourself possibly the best dessert of your life! As for something savory…the BLT hotdog! If you love the BLT…then you will go nuts for the BLT Hotdog!

Gwen: What’s next for you?  More Secret Life of.?

George Duran: I am in the works for some new shows. Pitching. Writing. Directing. All that stuff…but most of it is top secret! I promise there will be plenty of noise when it comes out!

Gwen: Just another chance to plug the book.  Why should we run out to buy Take this Dish and Twist It?

George Duran: Because it’s the only cookbook where you can play a game of “What did I fry?” Check out the fried items on a stick …then turn the page to see the answers!

So, the reason for my near explosion of nerdy pleasure comes from actually LOOKING at the new Nook.  Yeah, it’s got the digital ink paper thingie, wifi AND 3G, and what’s really cool, it has room for additional disk space.  But the coolest thing to me is that the book covers are displayed in color at the bottom of the whole thing.  I know the Kindle is lighter and the Sony Reader cheaper and more friendly to other formats (and they won’t remove your book like Amazon did this summer with Brave New World), but there is something that calls me to this little colored display.  I just want to get my hands on it an try it out.  So, Barnes and Nobel, if you hear me, SEND ONE MY WAY!!! I will play with it, and love it, and write my feelings about it! Seriously, I totally will.

Oh, and if any of these guys come up with “paperback book smell,” bottle that noise and add it as an option to the readers!

When rumors started to circulate that there was a rift between the Gosselin parents, I wasn’t surprised. No one else seemed to be either. I felt extremely sorry for the kids because this was a situation that they were living out in the public eye. Jon seemed to thrive on the freedom of being out from under Kate’s thumb, but she didn’t appear to enjoy the situation at all. If anything, she seemed devastated. Their arrangement of the kids staying in the home while the parents rotated in and out was odd but the world hoped that the children would remain the priority and they could live with some semblance of normalcy.

That was then.

Now we see Jon donning designer digs and vacationing in Europe, sans family, with a girlfriend. No one seemed to question that he was suddenly attached so soon after a separation was announced because everyone seemed certain that Kate’s controlling and smothering ways had caused the rift in the first place. Within weeks of being photographed frolicking with his new fling, Jon was publicly attached to another woman. Kate was said to have had an affair with her bodyguard but pictures of her with him and his wife put the kibosh on that idea quickly. Public opinion swayed against her when she would publicly disapprove of Jon’s choice in babysitters—women he was rumored to be dating.  Especially after Mr. Gosselin discussed the issues with anyone who would listen.

The public is aware that the kids live in the million dollar estate and one parent at a time is there for their visitation. Kate seemed to maintain her focus on her kids while living in the house and in her off time, she continued to generate income for her family. Jon, on the other hand, has passed the 8 off to a nanny during his scheduled visitation so that he could party it up. Slowly but surely, it has become more and more obvious that Kate has remained tactfully polite about things while Jon will badmouth his soon to be ex-wife to tabloids, paparazzi, journalists, the milkman, you name it.

TLC, the television network who has filmed the twins, sextuplets, and their parents for the past few years has been stuck in the middle, just as the children. They have contracts to fulfill and an audience to satisfy. America is very aware that this is a business, a previously lucrative one, and TLC wants to salvage some part of that franchise. This last week, it was announced that the show would take on a new name “Kate Plus 8″. Since Jon’s focus seems to have shifted away from his children, it was the obvious choice. Everyone sighed with relief that the drama was probably over with and we could see the kids grow up in their newly defined family successfully. All along Mr. Gosselin has said that he was not in favor of the show and didn’t appreciate the exploitation of his offspring, despite appreciating the financial windfalls because of said show.

This is when the bombshell was dropped, Jon Gosselin, without talking to his children, his soon-to-be-ex-wife, or the network, had his attorneys issue a cease and desist order for filming. The show that brought him into the limelight and has been the family’s primary source of income is now on hold, permanently. Some people applauded Jon for putting his foot down about having a camera crew virtually living in the home constantly. Others wondered if his intentions were so good, why did he only make the decision after he was given a minor role in the show and why didn’t he discuss his choice with his family? He left Kate holding the bag of trying to figure out how to break the news to the children.

Yesterday, I reached my final straw with this ongoing saga. In a moment of understandable anger and weakness, Kate let it slip that Jon had cleaned out their bank accounts. He refused to talk with her or their kids and uses his attorney as his mouthpiece for all communication.

Now I get that Kate wasn’t the best wife but no one can say she isn’t a wonderful mother. After the unexpected birth of so many kids, she and Jon made the decision to televise their lives. Whether it was a mistake or not, this decision put food on the table and allowed her kids to live better than they would have otherwise. They have had more opportunities than they would have if Jon had stayed with his computer job and Kate had kept working in nursing full time. Kate kept the lives of their family on track with schedules and lists. When the show reached a level of success that no one could have predicted their lifestyle changed. I have a hard time believing that TLC ever set out to make things difficult for the Gosselins. If you watch the outtakes of the show, the kids clearly show an affectionate and playful relationship with the crew that has surrounded them.

This is their “normal.”

Let’s face it people. Without this show, both of these parents would have had to work full time to make ends meet. It is unlikely there would have been vacations or a new house when their tiny home got too small. Jon would probably have had to take a second job and it is doubtful either parent could have found the time to let the kids participate in extracurricular activities. Every dime would have been devoted to buying groceries for the family of ten (a bill equal to or exceeding a mortgage payment) and paying the bills. Now that the marriage has disintegrated, Kate, previously portrayed as the villain, has taken the high road. She has maintained her public persona while not trying to make Jon the bad guy. Her behavior has shown us all that her children are and have always been her priority. Her actions now seem to be driven to find a way to support them and learn to be a single mother.

Jon has done nothing but attempt to sully Kate’s name and reputation. He has besmirched everything that he once seemed to personify. Gone are the cute sweaters and they have been replaced by a head to toe Ed Hardy ensemble.

I’m tired of seeing this woman, this mother, this wife, trying to do the very best with the tools in her hands and be demonized. It is clear that the moment Jon saw himself as free of his responsibilities; he thought he was entitled to go crazy. Now that he has been forced to depart the gravy train, he has even said that he wants to halt the divorce proceedings but of course, that too came from his lawyer and he didn’t bother to tell Kate.

Does anyone else just wish that this man would grow the hell up? The show may be over but Kate has a right to make ends meet however she can to provide for these kids. Because no matter what label is on Jon’s shirt or how many bikinis Kate is photographed in at the beach, there are 8 people who have been forgotten about in the chaos. These 8 need to grow up with solid role models and stability. They need to be able to see that their parents’ divorce was handled with maturity and grace. They have to be able to love both their mother and their father. They need to feel safe and secure.

I say that if the show continues, who cares. Either it will succeed or it won’t. In the end, Kate needs to stop talking to the media altogether about her family. She can keep up the public appearances but she doesn’t have to discuss her marital woes. Jon needs to give up the sorority girlfriends and fraternity lifestyle because he’s too old for that now. He needs to shut the fuck up and stop trying to play the victim. He needs to grow a pair and remember that a real man takes care of his family.

Because in the end, the most important people in this situation aren’t named Jon or Kate, they are named Mady, Cara, Hannah, Leah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and Aaden.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES is helmed by Kevin Williamson (SCREAM,DAWSON’S CREEK), who I think is the perfect choice for the show, and director Marcus Siega. A collaboration between these two almost guarantees fast-paced, wordy, teen angst, and that’s exactly what we get. I’m aware that the books and show will be incredibly different (I’m loving the Ellena on the show, not so much from the books), that’s what will make it fun to watch. This isn’t TRUE BLOOD or even Twilight, but it’s a version of the vampire mythology that we haven’t seen since the sensual heydays of BUFFY: THE VAMPIRE SLAYER(season two to be exact). We will get a new dose every week and every week you will have to read my blatherings about the show. CONGRATS!

This week’s Pilot just introduced the characters. Ellena is the human love interest that vampire brothers Stefan and Damon Salvatore will fight over. They fight over other things too, but mostly it always comes back to Ellena. She and her brother lost their parents in a car accident the year before, but she is determined to put that horrific time in their lives behind her. Her two closest friends, Bonnie and Caroline, fight over who is Ellena’s best friend (like I said, it’s all about Ellena) and eventually we will learn more about Bonnie’s declaration that she is a psychic—in the books she is, but I’m not so sure that’s the way the show will go. Blah blah blah, you get the idea. Two sexy vampire brothers love one sexy broken teenage girl, fighting and hopefully heavy petting ensues.

Source: Ah, It’s Refreshing to See Vampires With Teeth

So last week NBC announced that Saturday Night Live had hired two new female players. I was super exited about this because that meant there would be 6 women on the show! I cannot express enough how awesome this is. Well, this morning my dreams of woman domination of SNL were crushed when it turns out that yes, Michaels hired two new women, BUT this came at the price of firing Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins! Watkins was one of my favorites of the last season with her Bitch Pleaze skit and hilarious portrayal of Hoda Kotb. And Wilson, a stand-out on the show has such subtle comedic timing that you didn’t realize you were laughing until your pants were already wet–yes, I’m saying this from experience.

Of COURSE Michaels promotes the fantastic (and only regular woman player) Kristen Wiig to Weekend Update with Seth Meyers, because, well she deserves it. But he also kept the “pretty” Abby Elliott. I would give my opinion of her, but since she was never given a strong part last season and all she is to me is nice looking, I don’t really have an opinion.

Ultimately this SUCKS! This is a HUGE step backwards for women in comedy and once again proves that men have the power when it comes to saying what is funny and what isn’t. Yeah, I just went feminist all over that, but it’s true. And, if Michaels was going to fire someone to hire someone, why couldn’t he have hired a black woman? Why did he have to hire two more “pretty” white women to fill in? I guess that would be asking too much–we can have a black president and a black first lady, but we have to get a Spanish man in black face to impersonate him on a comedy show and no one can play his wife. Yep, sounds about right!

Source: Seacoast Online, SNL Women: 2 Fired? 2 Hired?

This morning on The Today Show Tom Bergeron announced the newest cast for ABC’s Dancing With The Stars. Now, I’m not a fan of this show, but I was totally intrigued by the list. There are people on it that I would actually stop my channel flipping to watch make an ass of themselves. And, I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Kelly Osbourne!

Here’s the full list of “stars” you’ll see during the three-day premiere of Dancing with the Stars, kicking off Sept. 21 at 8 p.m. on ABC…

* Kathy Ireland, 46, model
* Macy Gray, 41, singer
* Melissa Joan Hart, 33, actress
* Mya, 29, singer
* Ashley Hamilton, 34, actor/comedian
* Michael Irvin, 43, football player
* Mark Dacascos, 45, actor/martial artist
* Donny Osmond, 51, entertainer
* Kelly Osbourne, 24, singer
* Debi Mazar, 45, actress
* Chuck Liddell, 39, UFC fighter
* Natalie Coughlin, 26, swimmer
* Joanna Krupa, 30, model
* Louie Vito, 21, snowboarder
* Aaron Carter, 21, singer
* Tom DeLay, 62, former House majority leader

(Source: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b139663_dancing_with_stars_cast_unveiled_no.html)

I had big pictures, but no real way of actualizing them. Yeah, I know, that’s kinda silly. But honestly, I really thought in 9^th grade that whatever I chose for a career was what I was stuck doing for life—so it had better be something different. Coincidentally, I am a girl of very simple needs. When it was my turn to answer this question, I fired back point-blank: “I want to watch TV for a living.” Yeah, that was my response.

In a twist of fate I got my wish. I guess you can call it actualization; I just call it determination for leisure! For my day job, I have to watch over 5 hours a day of daytime television cataloging books spotlighted during broadcast. During these arduous, stimulating parts of my day, I often find some tiny nuggets of awesome.

Let’s start with my favorite guilty pleasure—reality stars.  No, not those Jon and Kate + 8 hacks, I’m talking REAL fake celebrities: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Earlier this week, Al Roker clearly drew the short straw and lobbed some hardballs at those tricksters.

My absolute favorite part is when Al finally gets Heidi to admit that she’s not ashamed of her behavior. Because praying to Jesus so you can schlep your new “celebrity” endorsed product is such a good use of JC’s time. Really Heidi, REALLY? Please come back to The Today Show tomorrow. My life just isn’t the same without these two.