However, the highlight of my time with these two gentlemen was watching a cut of a fake trailer they made for a remake of CITIZEN KANE. So, now that they have released the clip to the masses, it is my duty to share it too!

Check it out! And then hop over to Youtube and watch it again!

I gathered myself enough to step outside into the brisk, chilling 15 degree wind. Then I ran downstairs, put on my headphones (The Weepies album) and assembled some of my loose comics. The task at hand diverted my attention when working with heavy machinery such as our precise HUGE paper cutter. Idle hands are the devil’s playthings and instruments of certain, unfortunate casual sex for this lady. Let that be the lesson for you, dear reader, that constructive activities will distract you from the 3PM Needs that no doubt haunt you, whether you are drawing comics, editing books or assembling stock portfolios.

Sidenote: I made the mistake of telling my gal pals about the 3PM needs and now I get texts almost everyday at three wanting to know who is the line of fire. If only they knew.

1. Let’s start this off right with a Love Beard (by Laura George). Who doesn’t love a beard full of love? If you don’t then we are no longer friends!

2. The most adorable animation involving tiny sock-puppets you will ever see…until the next one.

3. Why don’t you have some delicious Hamm and wash it down with some fancy schmancy Buble…mmm, hot boy yums

4. AD: A great zombie animated movie…or the GREATEST zombie animated movie? The teaser gives you a vague taste.

So, I’m not one to frequent strip clubs. I think there’s something weird about girls giving me blue balls in a room full of dudes…and I have to pay for it?! Plus, call me self-rewarding, but I like the success I feel when earning nudity. Putting in some effort, getting to know her, constantly wondering what’s under those clothes….once the sexin’ happens, it’s like I earned it. So yeah, I like to earn my nudity, and the boastful grin that follows is my badge of honor.

Now, with my personal attitudes towards the exotic dance out of the way, I will go to a strip club for an occasion (birthday, bachelor parties, etc…). I don’t do anything other than drink and talk, and so far it’s worked for me. Several months ago, I was at a strip club for such an occasion. And I got so hammered that I gave my opinion whenever I got approached for a dance, leading to the following sequence:

Stripper 1: Say baby, want a dance?
Me: You’re too old.
Stripper 2: You look like you could some company.
Me: You’re not as pretty as the bartender.

It was rough to say the least. I only mention that story as a prelude to what happened just a couple of weeks ago, for what either has to be one of the most random situations I have ever been privy to, or what shall be referred to from here on out as Stripper Karma.

I was at a metal show with one of my good friends and, after needing convincing, went and met a group of buddies up for a bachelor party. The night goes on, we’re all inebriated to say the least, sending off our good friend in style. So far, so good. Where I’m standing, I have my back to one of the stages, talking with a couple friends.  Out of nowhere, the stripper on stage grabs my shirt, pulls me to her, looks me in the face, and seriously asks me…”Are you gonna tip me?!”  I look her right back and say no. “NO?!”  I tell her I haven’t been paying attention to her all night, why the f**k would I give her a fifty-cent piece let alone a dollar?  So I turn back to my friends, when all of a sudden…

The stripper started choking me.
Let me say that again…
The STRIPPER started CHOKING me.

Now, she weighed 90 lbs…maybe 110 without the coke, so it wasn’t life threatening. But still I had no idea what to think or how to assess this situation. I was never in Boy Scouts but I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume they didn’t teach you how to combat a crazed exotic dancer.  The only thought I had was I’m getting choked out by a stripper…is there a strategy for this?  As I’m debating on what Steven Seagal would do in this instance, one of my friends shouts “YEAH! Choke him, he likes it rough!” Obviously, from first glance, it just looks like a stripper messing with me, but what followed was even more surprising: she finally let go. I was finally calming down…

And then she slapped me.

She slapped me hard too. It was like I stole money from her to pay off debt to a hooker, then told her the hooker was prettier than her. I was pissed. I had the ol’ “I’m-About-To-Punch-A-Stripper Face,” which hasn’t been used since the Old West. As we were leaving, she rubbed her foot on my crotch and told me to have fun in a strip club. I looked at her and said, “I was having a good time, until some uppity stripper decided to put her hands around my throat. I don’t know what the f**k made you do that but lucky for you I’m leaving. I’m going to walk lightly though so I don’t cut my feet on your broken f**king dreams.” Oh sweet vindication…

The next day my group found out the entirety of what had happened, and were shocked to say the least. There really is nothing to say to that. I wonder if this is a growing epidemic. Are men beaten by ladies of the pole for cash? Do they get so frustrated at not getting paid as much as the other strippers that violence is their only option? Maybe she was stressed out at starting classes again, since all strippers/internet porn models are just paying their way through school. I know the Gauss Jordan Method can be tricky, but come on Sapphire…

At least I didn’t have blue balls. That would’ve sucked.

So last week NBC announced that Saturday Night Live had hired two new female players. I was super exited about this because that meant there would be 6 women on the show! I cannot express enough how awesome this is. Well, this morning my dreams of woman domination of SNL were crushed when it turns out that yes, Michaels hired two new women, BUT this came at the price of firing Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins! Watkins was one of my favorites of the last season with her Bitch Pleaze skit and hilarious portrayal of Hoda Kotb. And Wilson, a stand-out on the show has such subtle comedic timing that you didn’t realize you were laughing until your pants were already wet–yes, I’m saying this from experience.

Of COURSE Michaels promotes the fantastic (and only regular woman player) Kristen Wiig to Weekend Update with Seth Meyers, because, well she deserves it. But he also kept the “pretty” Abby Elliott. I would give my opinion of her, but since she was never given a strong part last season and all she is to me is nice looking, I don’t really have an opinion.

Ultimately this SUCKS! This is a HUGE step backwards for women in comedy and once again proves that men have the power when it comes to saying what is funny and what isn’t. Yeah, I just went feminist all over that, but it’s true. And, if Michaels was going to fire someone to hire someone, why couldn’t he have hired a black woman? Why did he have to hire two more “pretty” white women to fill in? I guess that would be asking too much–we can have a black president and a black first lady, but we have to get a Spanish man in black face to impersonate him on a comedy show and no one can play his wife. Yep, sounds about right!

Source: Seacoast Online, SNL Women: 2 Fired? 2 Hired?

The first response was from a boy whose girlfriend farted while he was performing oral. Another gentleman informed me that when losing his virginity, he had trouble finding the point of entry because it was further down than he expected. Or there was the guy who was enjoying his first anal sex experience and then pulled out to find several turds coming out too. Then the girl whose gag reflex kicked in and she vomited orange juice all over her man’s pecker. Of course, I had to laugh at the man who was horny enough to have sex with his girlfriend while she was on her period, just to faint on top of her when he saw the blood. This is made even funnier when she told me he was too heavy for her to move on her own, so she had to wait for him to regain consciousness to finally roll him off her body. Another girl told a story about having drunk sex with her boyfriend at a party by grabbing him unexpectedly as he walked by and forcing him into a bathroom. Afterwards, she discovered that it was actually his twin brother. Also, a gal told me how she discovered that her man-toy had an affinity for giggling like a school girl every time he came.

A few of the answers were so funny to me that I felt I could not do them justice without quoting them directly.

“Back in college I was having sex with my then-girlfriend in her dorm room. Her parents made a surprise visit, and I had to get dressed and get out of Dodge, pronto. In the rush & confusion, I grabbed HER jeans by mistake and went hopping down the hall with a tiny pair of girl jeans that wouldn’t go much higher than my knees.”

“Some friends remind me that I’m a ‘Toe Fucker’ now and then because the first thing to enter my vagina was a guy’s big toe. When I was 13, I think, following a racy game of truth or dare. I should probably be embarrassed about that, but actually I’m just kind of proud that I don’t have a foot fetish. You’d think I’d be into feet since it was my first real sexual experience and it left an impression.”

“One time when I was getting it on with my ex, we were doing it doggie style on his bed and I guess his dog, Smokey, thought it looked like fun because he tried to join in.”

One of my own personal stories was having sex while a movie was playing on the TV and suddenly one of the characters started to imitate a peacock’s call by yelling “My eye! My eye!” over and over again. To which both my partner and I burst into hysterics. Needless to say, neither of us were able to continue.

Embarrassing moments are part of life, they happen. When it occurs during our most intimate of occasions, it can be hard to find the funny and move forward. The best thing for us to focus on is that if we let every little awkward circumstance affect whether or not we pursue a sexual encounter with someone, no one is ever going to get laid. Face it, everyone farts during sex at some point. Guys are gonna drip sweat into the eyes of the girl they are fucking. You might even fall off the bed and hear a resounding “Ooof! Get off me! I think you broke my back.” But it is by learning to laugh that we go from being embarrassed to the proprietor of a really funny story.

Have a funny/embarrassing sex story? We’d love to hear it! Send it to info@nerdyperv.com. Make sure you read our disclaimer page before submitting.

What began as a lament for lack of diversity with regards to male masturbatory devices (a topic that will be explored at a later date), turned into a question of personal morality: would I have sex with a cantaloupe? (Short answer: no.)

A simple question, sure, but one that merits a complicated answer upon reflection. This begat a few flippant responses from the other girls at NerdyPerv, to the point where the following was formed. Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration: “What Wouldn’t Chris Fuck?” This week, I get off your mom:

Don’t get me wrong, guys: I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all. Maybe she’s a decent baker or cook, maybe she’s one of kindest women on the planet, maybe she’s still got a butt you can bounce a quarter off of and you’re too afraid to admit it. Whatever the reason, I’m just not interested in her any more, mostly because I’m no longer buying into women of her ilk who decide to take on the following labels:

milf : a mother, either married, separated, or divorced, that a male deems sexually attractive enough to warrant intercourse.

cougar : an older (typically late 30’s or 40’s) woman who hunts for a younger (at or around 25) man for sexual conquest.

In language, word evolution leads to more definitive meanings; ergo, milf, a specific term, begot cougar, a more generalized term. While this makes logical sense, in hindsight, this was the beginning of the end of sexual praise for the older woman.

Don’t believe me? Last month, Newsweek proclaimed 2009 the Year of the Cougar, a time where the older woman bagging the younger man is now king – uh, queen. Their evidence: no young Hollywood starlets can currently command big time box office and advertising draws like the stable of old gray mares (… *ahem* sorry) they’ve relied on for years: the upcoming sequel to Sex And The City, to name four, the casting of Sally Field, Glenn Close, Jada Pinkett Smith and Kyra Sedgwick in recent TV dramas, Michelle Pfieffer in Cheri, Nia Vardalos in My Life In Ruins, Catherine Zeta-Jones in The Rebound, Courtney Cox in the soon-to-be-cancelled TV show, Cougartown, and the “hit” reality-dating show The Cougar. Hell, google the word “milf” and see how many porn sites come up on the first page.

First of all, if mainstream media has gotten a hold of something, it’s either jumped the shark (see: Myspace) or being totally underutilized properly (see: Twitter). Second, if there’s a damn convention being organized to promote it, like the one coming up in August in Palo Alto, Cali., I guarantee you someone over-thought the concept.

If your mom-slash-any-older-woman-wishing-to-be-sexually-prized wants to exercise her right to freedom of pride, please do. I’m not coming out against reasonable chronophilia, per se. If you date older or younger, under the guidelines of legality and morality, be my guest. Here’s the rub: when I originally called your mom a MILF (probably back in ’07?), she didn’t know it, or what it meant, or what I wanted to do to her, possibly on your old bunk bed, just for giggles. Once she started thinking that I was wishing my girlfriend was hot like her, I lost interest. And though there is something to be said for older women knowing a thing or two in the sack, I’m fairly confident the Piledriver is not a commonly known position amongst the pre-Generation-X.

Listen, moms: your mission was successful. We know you’re not genitally dead down there, and some of us love you for it very much. I, for one, will never tire of seeing Mary-Louise Parker getting naked on Weeds, no matter how bad her show needed to generate ratings. But, please stop wearing the clothes you borrow from your fourteen-year-old daughters. Please stop taking dating advice from any TV show starting with the words “The Real Housewives of…” And please stop making me tell you how great you look at the bar. Trust me, if I let you buy me a drink, I’m just going to lie to you until its empty anyway.

But do give me that recipe for snickerdoodles. Have I told you how young you look?