Our good friends over at Big Fan Boy originally published this review. Go check out their site, because they are awesome!

As I’m just now getting my hearing back and my heart has finally stopped racing, I guess it is as good of a time as any to nail down my thoughts on the newest TWILIGHT SAGA movie. It may be too ambitious for me to jump right in and declare my undying love for Jasper…oh wait, I mean ECLIPSE (Jasper is a character, not a movie! Get your hormones in check Reyes!). But I’ve never been one to do what is expected of me. I’m an adult and I love/hate Stephanie Meyers’ TWILIGHT SAGA, that’s just something you need to know about me.

The two previous films, TWILIGHT and NEW MOON, bring out a certain level of 16 year-old girl in me that is not always pretty. I live in a magical world full of unicorns and cupcakes when I watch these movies, simply due to their engaging nature. I imagine what it would be like to live in Forks, Washington straddling the werewolf and vampire boundaries, tied to both sides by my love for two men. And just before our final, epic kiss/battle/death match I come crashing back to reality. Let’s be honest, this is a make-believe world for teens, and I’m no longer a teen.

Walking into ECLIPSE I had the same sickening feeling in my stomach when NEW MOON finished—the feeling that this movie was actually TRYING to be good. It no longer embraced the camp, and instead favored the serious. It didn’t work for me in NEW MOON, but ECLIPSE is a different story entirely. This time around I went with it and was rewarded with a guilty pleasure that I’m not ashamed to admit to everyone I really liked.

The recently reunited Bella Swan and Edward Cullen (Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson) are relaxed and incredibly comfortable with each other, a level of comfort we hadn’t seen in the previous movies. Yes, wolfy Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is still trying to win Bella’s affection, but he (and any TWILIGHT fan) knows that Bella belongs with Edward. It doesn’t stop him from brooding around and breaking stuff when he gets mad after learning that Bella loves both him and Edward.  But unlike the book versions of these characters, Jacob and Edward both allow Bella to choose who she wants. Brownie points for that.

Director David Slade (30 DAYS OF NIGHT, HARD CANDY) brings another positive element to the saga—the visualization of the fan-favorite vampire army battle. I won’t go into too much detail, since there is something to be said for an intense fight scene, but trust me when I say even guys who are tricked into seeing this movie will be pleased. The special effects and action in that final scene are fantastically choreographed and amazingly satisfying. It was a moment even the most arduously judgmental Twi-hard will admit matched the book’s fervor.

I’m not saying that I love these movies because they are great works of sweeping romance and Oscar-worthy writing and acting, that would be laughable and a lie. I love them because they are so campy, cheesy, and downright hilarious that it’s impossible not to like them. If you go in ready to enjoy the next 2 hours full of teen angst and acting only a termite would love, then you are already in the right place.

And just so you know I’ve NEVER made a TEAM JASPER shirt. Okay, I totally have.

However, the highlight of my time with these two gentlemen was watching a cut of a fake trailer they made for a remake of CITIZEN KANE. So, now that they have released the clip to the masses, it is my duty to share it too!

Check it out! And then hop over to Youtube and watch it again!

Now having said that, the movies are an entirely different monster. Yes, just as much as we loved the show we anticipated the theatrical release of the first SEX AND THE CITY movie. It was 4 years in the making, and it felt like not a moment had gone by. The movie was a hit, even if the women we loved were changed. They were older, established, and more dream-like than the show ever portrayed them as. They were no longer the women we were, they were women we wanted to be. And that separated them from us, made us voyeurs and coveters of a lifestyle we could never have, and it worked in the first movie.

Not so much in the sequel. SEX AND THE CITY 2 had everything I loved about the first movie: beautiful clothes, beautiful men, and those 4 ladies who are each a part of me. However it took all the horrible elements of the first film (overt materialism, ridiculous relationship issues, and disgusting stereotyping) and pumped the volume up to eleven. I was often insulted and uncomfortable throughout the film.

It opens strong, reintroducing all the characters to us and even offering a glimpse at how each woman made their ways into Carrie Bradshaw’s life. We head off to a whimsical gay wedding between Carrie and Charlotte’s “best gays” Stanford and Anthony (Willie Garson and Mario Cantone). The wedding was hands down one of the best parts of the movie. It’s just unfortunate that it happens 15 minutes in. While there, Carrie and Mr. Big (Chris Noth) are asked by another couple if they plan to have children. This question is an easy answer for them both – no, it’s just not their thing. However, what is Carrie’s thing is attacking Big by declaring their new marriage boring and lacking “sparkle” once they return home from the wedding weekend. She is overwhelmed by insecurities in her marriage and worries that they have to spend the years as just the two without any glamor or excitement. Quelle horror!! A marriage that is comfortable and loving, I don’t really see a problem.

So, as a distraction from their lives, Samantha presents each of our ladies with an all-expenses paid trip to the uber-conservative Abu Dhabi. Once again, an excellent chance for the movie to reflect on real issues (Western and Eastern cultures colliding), however this falls even flatter than Carrie’s made-up drama over her marriage. This time it’s the highly sexual Samantha baring her shoulders and legs in front of traditional Muslims and then dismissing their culture. For a woman who is supposed to be the non-judgey one, Samantha’s lack of respect was a complete shift in character— a shift that comes off uneducated and bigoted. Badly done, Michael Patrick King, badly done.

I won’t even get into the ridiculously priced clothing, because that would just be a low blow. But if King’s intention was to give recession-minded women a taste of glamor, it comes off more ill-minded than CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC.

It’s a little heartbreaking for me to admit, but if this is what we are supposed to expect for this franchise, then I think the movies have run their course. I know that ladies, just like me, will go see this movie multiple times in the theater and even buy the DVD in six months, but I truly think I’d rather snuggle up with the series box-set. Yes, SEX AND THE CITY 2, that was your Post-It note.

Those cool kids over at Gordon and the Whale asked me to guest write a review this week. With their permission I’m also re-posting it here. Check out their site, they are pretty much all that’s great in this world.

The last few weeks have ushered in the season of summer blockbusters. First we had the record-breaking opening of IRON MAN 2, then came ROBIN HOOD, and this weekend that giant green ogre we all love returns for what is billed as his final swan song. SHREK FOREVER AFTER is bound to join its predecessors in the history books, but is it worthy of all the accolades coming its way in the next few weeks? Of that I am not sure.

The film opens with a happy, yet bored, Shrek (Mike Myers) twiddling his thumbs in swamp suburbia with his wife Fiona (Cameron Diaz) and their newborn ogre babies. They have both relinquished their royal titles and abdicated the Far, Far Away throne, and now live a primarily quiet domestic existence in Shrek’s former bachelor pad. After a year of parenthood, household chores involving outhouse repair, and his life becoming anything but terrifying to the local townspeople, Shrek finally snaps during his triplets’ birthday party. He says some pretty harsh things to his friends, family, and most importantly his wife. He flees the party and runs into the meddling Rumpelstiltskin (Walt Dohrn) who offers him the opportunity to relive one day being a “real ogre” in exchange for one day of Shrek’s.

Of course he signs the contract, but he quickly realizes Rumpel’s deals aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Before he knows it, Shrek is in an alternative Far, Far Away where Fiona was never rescued from the tower, his best friends Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) have no idea who he is, and Rumpel has taken over the kingdom from Fiona’s parents. Now he has 24 hours to fix the mess he created before he is stuck in this Far, Far Away forever.

The film sets out to retell the original SHREK from a different angle. What would have happened if Shrek had never been born?  What sort of butterfly effect would that have had on the rest of the Shrekverse? It’s a fun question to ask, ripe with story possibilities, I just wish the writers had spent a little more time flushing out their answers. I’ve always found the SHREK films fun but rushed, and this one is no different. All the familiar characters were new because this alternative world had hardened them. We needed time to get to know the new Donkey and Fiona as they were rougher around the edges. Donkey is a hustler and Fiona is the leader of a merry band of ogres set on ending Rumpel’s reign, they have both been hardened by this new world. The only truly charming moment happens when Puss appears on screen as less-than-svelte. He is hilarious and adds the levity that is normally reserved for Donkey. I literally declared “Thank God” to my movie partner when Puss uttered his catch phrase: “Feed me…if you dare.” Yo Dreamworks, when do I get my PUSS IN BOOTS movie?

Shrek is one of the most identifiable and enjoyable characters in animation. His adventures have captivated children and adults alike for the past decade, and who honestly doesn’t anticipate a new installment of the franchise? SHREK FOREVER AFTER should not disappoint animation freaks, but it does leave a little to be desired in actual story. It is often muddled and even discounts the third SHREK almost entirely. But overall, this newest SHREK is worth the 90 minutes, at least to see Puss in Boots.

Original review (Gordon and the Whale)

Let me first say that for a remake Samuel Bayer’s NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET is actually a pretty decent attempt. It has all the elements that make up a good, old fashioned horror movie—pretty girls, a crazed psycho-killer, a belief-suspending plot. But for every way it sets up the foundation for a quality genre film, it still falls very flat. And not in the “it’s so good, it’s bad” way.

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET pieces together Freddy Kreuger’s (Jackie Earle Haley) story. Teens living on Elm Street start having nightmares that lead to their deaths, two lucky survivors start to piece together why they are dying and their mysterious connection to each other, and then they take it upon themselves to kill Freddy. Throw in a handful of dream sequences and quirky one-liners, and you have the making of a self-reflexive horror movie. However its biggest deterrent is its pacing.

Quick, tight pacing is the most crucial component to a horror movie. You want to feel as if you are running from the baddie, just like the heroine. Freddy Krueger is an incredibly scary figure, and Haley obviously had fun playing the disturbing dream killer, however I found almost all of his scenes to drag on a lot longer than necessary. It’s crazy to think a movie that lasts only 90 minutes and is chockfull of gruesome murders can feel as if it’s double that length.

What the film did succeed at, however, was its full on rapey feel. The dreams were brought on by Nancy’s (Rooney Mara) repressed childhood memories of an alive Freddy, who was accused and killed because parents believed he was molesting their children. Horror movies often show sexual harassment and assault, but I definitely felt that the rapeyness of Freddy was borderline unnecessary. What’s wrong with a little family friendly rape? Tell me, don’t show me goes a long way when creating exposition. The suggestion that Freddy did it in real life was enough for me to understand he was as horrible in life as in death, however Bayer never shied away from shoving the sexual assault element in audiences’ faces. I focused more on the stereotypical power-diseased men in the movie than anything else.

And that was really getting in the way of my blood, guts, and gore.

Kinda makes you feel like you’re there, huh?

Oh, and there was a little Beard Spotting going on!

RED CARPET

Bill Paxton

"Friday Night Lights'" Drew Waters

(L-R) EARTHLING'S Matt Socia, Michelle Renee Dulin, Ryan Harper Gray

EARTHLING director Clay Liford

CARRIED AWAY's Juli Erickson and Gabriel Horn

(L-R) CARRIED AWAY's Bryan Massey, Adam Deitrich, Tom Huckabee (Dir)

WE ARE THE SEA's Neil Truglio (dir) and Chantelle Frazier

(L-R) SKATELAND's Shiloh Fernandez and Heath Freeman and Kelly Monaco

MULTIPLE SARCASMS director Brooks Branch

HOLD's Frank Mosley (dir) and Robey Storey

OPENING NIGHT PARTY

Gwen Reyes, director Daniel Laabs, Victoria Hines

FOLLICLE FROLIC's Brand Rackey and Mark Potts

P.S. BEARDS!!!!! (I promised)

Producer, director, and Beard James M. Johnston

I’ll be updating throughout the festival—or at least in my head. Tonight is our first red carpet for the opening night films, including SKATELAND, WE THE POOR, A TOWN CALLED PANIC, MULTIPLE SARCASMS, and a block of short films. I’m really looking forward to SKATELAND, and I’ve heard great things about A TOWN CALLED PANIC. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to see that one too this week.

Wish us luck! Pictures and stories from attendees are coming your way!

Buy DALLAS International Film Festival Tickets

Follow Gwen’s Twitter adventures

Follow NerdyPerv while you’re at it!

Unfortunately he blatantly chose to ignore my (and my fellow beardophiles’) decoration of love and shaved his beard for the last segment. I honestly think he is testing us.

Anyway, I posted some of the best sketches from last night…in case you haven’t already seen them!

His opening monologue was great, even if we’ve already heard some of the jokes on his DVD.

Digital Short: Zach Drops By The Set

My QOTD: “But is there a rollaway bidet?”

The Beard Destruction

More SNL videos

This video aired on Lynchburg news last night.

2/16/09 UPDATE: I just found this news article on the Sweet Briar College website. No new information. Campus Community Prays for Colleague’s Safe Return.

*****

I’ve read on fellow SBC alumnae Washington Bella’s site that reports are going around the college campus that Eleanor Salotto may have committed suicide. I will try to find a source with more information throughout the day.

If this is true, please keep Eleanor and her family in your thoughts.

Like I mentioned before, Eleanor Salotto is one of the best professors I ever had, and she is someone who changed the way I analyze film and literature. Words cannot express how much I respect and love Eleanor (which is hilarious considering she taught English). Eleanor Salotto is an amazing woman and I hope any students who had the pleasure to learn from her keep her in their thoughts.

Eleanor Salotto was one of my Film Studies professors at Sweet Briar College who taught me to love film passionately, and I often ask myself: “what would Eleanor say here?”

If you have any information regarding Eleanor Salotto’s whereabouts, please contact the Lynchburg Emergency Communications Center at (434) 847-1602 or the Lynchburg Police Department at (434) 455-6041.

Eleanor Salotto’s Missing Person’s Report